TALK, AND KEEP TALKING

By the time most kids hit 12, they know a lot more than you initially told them about birds and bees. That doesn't mean your job is over! If you don't keep talking, you are sending your kids the message that you don't want to discuss sex. And contrary to what you might believe, kids want information about sex from their parents. But they want you to listen TO them and talk with them, rather than talk AT them.

Susan, 45, said, "I was so nervous talking to my 14-year-old son. But I kept thinking that if I didn't talk to him, I was permitting the media to do my job." As it happened, Susan's son wasn't sexually active or sexually interested yet. But he was open to talking to his mother. (Maybe he was just humoring her!)

Barbara, 47, added, "My 16-year-old daughter asked me a question that I didn't know the answer to, but we looked it up together. I think this made me seem more human."

If you don't understand what your kid is talking about, you need to get more information. (See the glossary at the end of this article if you think you're behind the times.)

USE THE RIGHT WORDS

The best way to open lines of communication is to get your teen to come to you for information and support. At that point, you can ease your way slowly into a number of hot topics. Here are some conversation openers:

1. "I know you get a lot of mixed messages about sex. What's the general feeing about hooking up among your friends?"

2. "Saying 'no' to someone is really hard. Do you ever practice different ways of saying that you just aren't ready?"

3. "You sound pretty serious about this person. Are you ready to see a gynecologist?"

4. "You sound like someone's trying to pressure you to be sexually active. If you're not interested, that's perfectly normal."

5. "Date rape and forced sex is very scary. Do you know anyone who's ever gone through this experience?" (It's important to get both boys and girls to talk about date rape.)

6. "If you are having sex-we need to discuss how to do it safely."

Last, remember, if you choose to, you are allowed to put your foot down. You can say, "If you're 14, you shouldn't be having sex with a partner."

DEAL WITH THE DOWN SIDE TOO

Unfortunately, date rape, peer pressure, and other types of nonconsensual sex "are unfortunate realities of the society we live in", says Amy Levine, founder of Sex Ed Solutions. "Parents shouldn't wait for these moments to appear, but should be proactive by sharing the information in advance, through reading a news story, watching a televsion show together, and then talking about that they've seen."

BEING HONEST WITH THEM AND TRUE TO YOURSELF

What we do as teenagers helps us to build the foundation for our future relationships and our ability to communicate intimately with another person. our sexual experiences also add to our sense of self and our body image. So instead of locking up our sons and daughters until they turn 21, we should try to give them the skills and information necessary to become sexually healthy.

As for Steven, whom we met at the opening of the article, he decided to hold his ground and enforce the "no closed door" rule in his home. Whatever your rules may be, you should try to explain your rationale-it may begin an important dialogue between you and your teenager about love, sex, and yes, crushes. They do still exist, along with hooking up. They're an important part of growing up, and you can make a difference in the way your teen handles them.

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Issue: September 2007