LOOKING AT SEX THROUGH TEEN EYES

The way in which many teens view sex has changed over the years. Intercourse is still a big deal because of the pressure to keep one's virginity and fear of STDs; yet oral sex, mutual masturbation, and cyber/phone sex are activities that are perceived to have little risk, emotional or physical. Girls often solicit sex from boys (or other girls) in order to be accepted by the "cool" crowd. Boys, who mature less quickly, may be overwhelmed by girls' aggressiveness, and give in to their demands after just a little flirting.

The fact that there seems to be so little emotion involed when kids hook up is really unsettling to parents. We would prefer our teens wait to be in loving, respectful partnerships. But at this age, acute physical desire is often part of the package-what can they do about their hormones and very natural desires?

Though teens may make juvenile decisions when it comes to sex, they usually have a rationale for what they're doing.

Emma, 19, from Arizona says, "Some teens crave sex because they aren't getting enough attention at home."

Sara, 14, justifies teen experimentation by her choice of partners. "Sex is still a big deal, but that's why friends are so good to hook up with." She appears to be "saving herself" emotionally for a big relationship, but practicing certain sexual behaviors until she is ready for something more meaningful.

FACE IT - TEENS ARE SEXUAL BEINGS

I know a fair number of parents who virtually stick their heads in the sand to pretend their kids aren't sexual beings. Is it any wonder their teens are acting out! The truth is, as much as it scares you, someday you'll have to talk to your teens openly about sex. Hard as it may be, it will hurt worse if your teens get into trouble sexually.

As parents, we have to tread a fine line between helping our teens develop a healthy attitude about sex, while at the same time staying safe, physically and emotionally. And that begins by acknowledging that we are all sexual beings. We can talk about the fact that love and sex sometimes come together, and sometimes stand alone. It's also vital to explain that good relationships are about trust, respect, and emotional connection.

Maggie, 50, says "I don't want my 15-year-old to sleep around, but I do want her to make good decision." The only way to do this is to talk about ways to handle the situation when the time comes.

Jon, 54, the father of two daughters, 16 and 14, recognizes that sexual exploration is part of adolescence, and wants his girls to talk to him if they have questions. "I always tell them about the importance of protecting themselves."

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Issue: September 2007