Steven F., a Cleveland father, came home one day to find his 16-year-old daughter, Jennifer, locked in her bedroom. When he knocked and entered, he found his daughter sitting on her bed with a young man he'd never seen before. They were both fully dressed, but still, he was slightly panicked, because he watched the news and heard all about what teens are up to these days - rainbow parties,* friends with benefits,* and lots of oral sex. He wanted to talk to Jennifer, but he had no idea how to start the conversation.

When we were young, the decision to go "all the way" was a big one. It involved some degree of commitment to a current boyfriend or girlfriend, concern about the loss of virginity, and a sense that once we'd taken this huge step, we could never go back. It also involved a lot of passion and intensely complicated feelings. Today, many teens don't make this type of connection with the sexual act. Hooking up* is more casual and often accepted as a part of a friendly relationship.

In my work as a sex educator in Manhattan schools, I have talked with hundreds of adolescents over the years, and I've discovered that there is a huge range of teen sexuality. In some cases, teens are exploring oral sex, having intercourse, and trying to figure out whether they are gay or straight. But other kids are absolutely dedicated to remaining abstinent until marriage and may be burdened with guilt and shame about the feelings they have to squelch.

Martha Kempner, Vice President of Information and Communications for the Sexuality Information and Education Countil of the United States (SIECUS) says, "[Sex] is not more prevalent [than it used to be], but with the advent of the Internet and the popularity of MTV, sex has become more [visible and] talked about. Ultimately, this can be a good thing for parents and teens - it gives parents many opportunities to talk about their values with their children."

So what is happening with teen sexuality? And what can parents do to see that their teenager has appropriate boundaries and knowledge about dipping their toes or jumping headlong into sexual waters?

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Issue: September 2007