Helping Your Preteens Through Puberty Podcast
Middle school was a big change for Deanna F., 12, of Middle Village, N.Y. Her mother, Josephine, said her daughter was becoming developed in every sense of the word. “Very moody! Also, her interest in boys! It’s breaking her father’s heart.” Although Deanna talks frequently and openly with her mother, Josephine still feels like there may be subjects her daughter is leaving out. “I want to know everything that happens in her daily life, and I know I don't.”
Indeed, the changes that go on in the pre- and early teen years, from age 11 to 13, are astounding. Children are transformed physically, emotionally, sexually, and socially, making that first year of middle school tough for both parents and children.
A Physical, Psychological, and Emotional Upheaval
Although for some, the transition happens slowly, to many parents, it can seem as though the child who got on the schoolbus in the morning has morphed into someone else by the time he comes home. The giggly girl who smiled all the time is now sullen and poker-faced (could it be that she’s embarrassed about her braces?) The happy-go-lucky team player is suddenly argumentative and challenging, looking for a fight. Preteens behave differently with friends, they become moody or elated without much cause, and of course, they start to look different.
According to Elizabeth M. Casparian, Ph.D., director of educational programs at HiTOPS in Princeton, N.J., around the ages of 11 or 12—sometimes earlier in girls—parents will begin noticing all sorts of physical changes in their children, such as body odor and breast budding in girls. A growth spurt may include longer arms and legs, and in boys, thicker facial hair and body hair, cracking voice, and wet dreams (nocturnal emissions). In girls, the changes include vaginal discharge, the onset of menses, and breast development.
Nancy R. 05/07/08
I can't imagine having 2 tweens! My daughter is 13 and has been a handful for awhile. Only in the past month has she started to ask me some questions about her body. I don't pry too much and I give her the answers she is looking for, short and sweet. I know she will ask me more questions when she is ready. My older daughter (20) was very easy going and rarely had the screaming matches. She was more of a crier when things got to her. She reminded me of how I was at her age, so I could totally relate to what she was trying to say. But my 13 year old is the total opposite. Even though she can say some mean things, I know for a fact this is only temporary. I actually heard the words "thank you mom" come out of her mouth last week! Patience is key I have found, but you can't let them walk all over you. Also, understanding. I try to see where she is coming from, why she may be so upset or angry. Can you relate to whatever it is they may be upset about? Do you recall what you were like when you were their age? It doesn't always work but sometimes it helps me to get into her frame of mind. I like the idea of working on a project together or even homework. That has been helpful for us sometimes. Also, she's very involved in a sport and we are always at her games. That makes her feel we care about what she's doing. Last year she didn't like us cheering for her. Of course we cheered even louder! This year is better, and she actually acknowledges us!
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