I didn’t fit in for other reasons, too. Most of my classmates came from rich families and wore preppy clothes, while my mom, single and older, was a Quaker and had very strong political views, which I shared. It was different at Quaker meetings and retreats. The parents there were more like my mom, and the kids had grown up with the same ideals I had. I could be myself with them.
My self-confidence really grew when I returned to India during my junior year with a group of students from other high schools. We spent four months studying and working at an environmental center in Ladakh, a region in the foothills of the Himalayas. There was a lot of emphasis on Buddhism, with its philosophy of living in the moment and getting as much as possible out of each day.
Because of that, I became much more outgoing and adventurous. I want to try new things and meet new people. I’m thinking of majoring in anthropology or sociology because both fields consider issues from various perspectives, which is what I’ve been doing most of my life.
My birth mother is always in my consciousness, and sometimes thinking about her is painful, but I’ve learned to accept that. I try not to focus on what my life could have been but on how fortunate I am to be living the life I have now.
Tips for Parents of Adopted Teens
Let your children know they were adopted from the start.
Answer their questions about adoption and identity openly and honestly.
Teach them about their national and cultural origins.
Help them to understand why they are different and to be proud of those differences.
Expert Comments
Hollee McGinnis, Policy and Operations Director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, says that the feelings surrounding adoption shift and change as children struggle with its contradictions (“I love you so I gave you away”). Adoptive parents can help by stating what their children are feeling (“If I were given away I’d be angry too”). And they must understand their children’s unspoken fear that in searching for themselves they will lose their adoptive families. Adoption issues re-emerge later on, she says, as adoptees establish their own families.
Janet 05/07/08
My husband and I adopted a daughter from China, who is now in the eighth grade. I guess what we did was considered “trendy” at the time – because there are lots of families around here with adopted children from other countries. It has certainly made our life much more interesting and diverse, and I think our daughter feels very much a part of this heterogeneous community.
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