Building the Best Relationship

We are quick to tell teens when their relationships are less than perfect, but do we actually tell them when their relationships are successful, or what to look for in a partner? This isn’t always easy because it forces us to consider our own relationships and the choices we have made in the past. And let’s face it, we may not be proud of all those decisions. But it is up to us to try our best to model healthy relationships for our own children.

Common Questions About Communication Kids Want Answers To

1. How do I ask my partner about their sexual history?

Whenever you ask about someone’s sex life, it needs to be done respectfully. Most people, no matter how old they are, are going to want to know your motivation for asking the question. Be transparent with your answer—you want to know about their sexual health status so that you can determine the best way to protect yourselves, together. But seeing as the key to a relationship is reciprocity and communication, it is important to be prepared to talk about your own past as well.

2. How do I tell my parents that I am having sex?

I love the idea that a teen wants to talk to you about their sexual decisions. It is certainly a sign of sexual responsibility that they can share their decisions with you. Now, I am not suggesting that you let your teen and his or her partner have sex in your home (although your rules are your own), but if your children are having sex, I’m sure you would like to be a sounding board for them—someone to come to if they have questions or need help. So what would make this conversation comfortable for you? Granted, you will have a myriad of feelings, but I think that there are some things that your teen could tell you in order to make this conversation more bearable. If a teen is ready to talk to his parents, he should explain to them that he has thought about this decision, knows the ramifications (both positive and potentially negative) of having sex, knows how to protect himself and his partner, and is in a relationship where both partners care deeply for each other.

3. Should I tell my boyfriend that I am on the Pill?

No. There is absolutely no reason for a girl to tell her boyfriend—especially a new boyfriend—that she is on birth control. This is not to encourage dishonesty, but rather to protect the girl from being talked into a situation where she is protected from pregnancy but not diseases. Similarly, I have always told boys (and men) that even if a woman says, “Don’t worry, I am on the Pill,” don’t pass on the condom. The fact is, taking birth control pills requires responsibility and diligence. Unless a guy is spending so much time with his girlfriend that he watches her take the Pill regularly, he can never know how “perfectly” the Pill is being used. And during adolescence, with all the pressures of school, SATs, friendships, and parents, it is possible that a teenage girl may forget to take her pills. Also, we know that people are less likely to use protection when they are under the influence, and there are times when teens get drunk, hook up, don’t tell their partners they’ve been unfaithful, or completely forget that they’ve been with another person. So to summarize, even if you or your partner is on the Pill, it doesn’t protect you from STDs. Does a teen really want to take that chance? It’s important that they don’t think that we are questioning their relationship, but rather supporting it by encouraging both partners to be safe.

4. Why are girls called sluts if they like to be sexual, but boys get props from their friends?

There is absolutely no reason for the double standard to exist. If your teenager is asking about this, it presents the perfect opportunity to explore the messages that do exist and fight back against the old stereotypes.

5. Is there a right or wrong way to react to a partner sharing his sexual history?

Reactions are commonly from the gut, but seeing as how a partner is opening up to you, sometimes our gut reaction isn’t the best one to share. Ideally, you should listen to what your partner has to say, ask any questions that you may have, and think about what you’ve just heard. There is no need to respond right away. It takes time to process information, and you and your partner should be prepared to do a lot of thinking as well as speaking and listening.

6. Who can you tell if you have an STD?

If you have an STD, it is important to talk to someone you trust; that may be a parent, a friend, a doctor, and definitely a partner. In a perfect world, people wouldn’t respond in a negative way. But just in case, you want to make sure that you have all the information about your diagnosis beforehand so that you can educate the people around you.

 

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Issue: June 2008