3. Finish what you start…respectfully.
Swift suggests that authority and mutual respect are essential. You have to mean what you say and stick to your guns. If your teen is grounded for two weeks, then make sure he stays home the full two weeks. Without follow through, teens won’t get the message and will continue to test us. Always strive to work with your kids rather than against them. If we discipline out of concern for their welfare and not out of anger, they are more likely to understand the reason for the discipline and cooperate.
4. Allow teens to experience the consequences.
Swift says every child should feel some discomfort. Your teen should have to deal with whatever results from his behavior as long as it’s fair, reasonable, and directly related. At the same time, don’t set up rules and regulations that might put him in danger. For example, if his curfew is midnight, don’t require him to speed in order to make it home on time. As long as he calls ahead and doesn’t bend the curfew consistently, give him some leeway with the exact minute he has to be back.
5. Show your teen how to earn freedom.
Tell her: “You are responsible for what you choose to do and for what happens to you and others as a result of your decisions and actions.” It’s your teen’s choice. The more she proves to be responsible, i.e., dependable and honest, the more freedom you can give her. If she violates your trust by acting irresponsibly, you take away some of that freedom. For instance, if she gets a speeding ticket, take away her license until she rebuilds your trust. The two of you should collaborate on how she can begin to earn back your confidence.
If parents start from the assumption that their children are honest and responsible, teens will want to live up to that trust, explains Swift. But don’t assume kids will figure things out on their own. They don’t need you to be a pal right now. Instead, they need your guidance to help them learn from their mistakes so they can grow to be responsible adults. “Be there for your kids,” says Swift. “The teen years are not the time to abdicate the role of parent.”
Betsy Dru Tecco is a freelance writer who has written countless articles and 13 nonfiction books. She is the mother of two daughters, 8 and 14.
Fernando Romero, Lynwood, CA 12/10/08
I'm a HS Counselor and consistently help parents in working with their teens. I encourage them to work with students in a positive way and that privileges should be earned (e.g., complete all class/homework before allowing teen to use computer for fun, no cell phone use until grades and/or attendance improves). The key is to foster cooperation and to encourage your children to make positive choices.
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