Do you want to be the love of someone’s life or live with someone who’s the love of your life?

There are two kinds of men: those who make you feel comfortable and secure, and those who keep you living on the edge of passion—and doubt.

With whom are you happiest? And with whom will you be happiest ten years from now? The answers may not be the same.

The past is prologue.

Remember your first love? What did you get from that relationship that you want to find again? What do you want to avoid?

Breaking up is hard to do—and instructive.

Falling in love is easy; staying in love is work. If you want to keep working at a relationship, that’s love. If you must call it quits, don’t beat yourself up about it. People fail at love all the time. They also start over.

Even with a good guy, you’ll still need friends.

You need the friendship of other young women, and you’ll find out who your true pals are once you get involved with a guy. A real friend will take pleasure in your pleasure. She’ll also tell you when you’re being a jerk.

Good Sex, Bad Sex

Think erotic, not pornographic.

Pornographic is grinding on the dance floor like a dog in heat. It leaves nothing to the imagination. Erotic is a meticulously calculated promise of something that may or may not happen: a lingering gaze, a silk blouse unbuttoned one button too many or a long lick of an ice cream cone.

Sex always has meaning, even when it is “meaningless.”

Be honest with yourself about every sexual act in which you engage. Do you like what you’re doing? Does it feel not only good but right? What is your inner voice telling you? “Full speed ahead”? “Slow down”? “Stop”? If you’re moving toward intercourse during a hookup, first ask yourself, “Do I really want to do this?” not “Is he wearing a condom?” (That comes second.)

Using Power Wisely

Plan your dive and dive your plan.

This is the first rule for scuba divers, and it applies in social encounters as well.

You possess a lot more power before you sleep with a guy than afterward. Think more about when to say “Yes” than when to say “No.” Even if you’ve said yes before, you can say no the next time.

The personal is the political.

Tell people when you said no to a guy. Support other girls who walk away from situations that made them uneasy. Assist girls who didn’t walk away and feel they made a mistake.

You’re in this together.

Guys are not the enemy. Don’t excuse their bad behavior, but do try to understand it.

They’re not going to slow things down on their own. Besides, hooking up is ideal for them: It is simple and doesn’t require a lot of preparation, reading of signals or attention to feelings.

You are ultimately in this together because when the playing field is leveled, either everyone wins or everyone loses.

One final note: Share these thoughts with other girls. Because if our culture’s deeply ingrained habits of hooking up are going to change, you and other young women, joined with young men, will be the ones to change them. Do it for yourself—and for your daughters.

Gratefully yours,
Laura Sessions Stepp

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Issue: July 2007