High Expectations for Teen Boys Can Lead to Acting Out

Why does this happen? Teen boys suddenly find themselves trying to live up to a huge new level of social responsibility. They are expected to “man up,” to become leaders, wage earners, models of self-sufficiency. They are expected to succeed in the working world, to be the risk-taker in initiating social and dating relationships, yet still somehow remain sensitive and open to females as equals and partners. Because they feel totally unprepared to meet the challenge, the result can be either fight or flight— aggression and rebellion or retreat and withdrawal.

Another significant reason for this sudden transformation is the boy’s rapidly changing sexuality. “These feelings are …something that he very much wants to keep separate from his parents,” Wolf says. Thus, the withdrawal and unrealistic hope that parents just won’t notice.

Dave J. watched as his son Kevin turned inside himself. In a desperate attempt to find something, anything, his son would actually like, he enrolled them both in—of all things—a father/son cooking class. “Kev has talked about going to culinary school someday. So I signed us up for this class, even when he said, ‘no way.’ By the end of the twelve-week session, we were talking, in bits and pieces, about what was going on at school, and with his friends, and even with girls while we did our prep and clean-up. At least we have a little window opening up here.”

Giving Your Son What He Needs

So, how do you reach your teen son?

First, act fast. Don’t let the withdrawal go too far. Parenting expert and author Susan Morris Shaffer says, “When boys don’t talk, [it’s because] they fear being perceived as weak.” In fact, they are simply finding refuge in what Shaffer calls a “face-saving silence.” Teenage boys are one of the groups at greatest risk for suicide, and it’s important that parents keep an eye out for self-destructive behaviors.

Second, set limits, and don’t feel bad about it. Your son undoubtedly will resist, but he still needs—and even wants—boundaries to be set for him.

Third, your son can really benefit from a strong relationship with his father. More than 40% of American boys are growing up without a father in the house. Even fathers who live with their sons may have emotional baggage and trust issues—perhaps because of their relationships with their own fathers—that can interfere with getting close to their teen.

With or without a dad in the picture, a boy needs healthy contact with other boys and other male adults, too. Consider seeking out a mentor program sponsored by local churches or clubs run by carefully screened and trained adults. These programs give teenage boys contact with male adults as well as peers, working on civic projects, going on trips, or just hanging out—small but important opportunities to learn and live with other people, as they find their place in the world. [For more information on this subject, see Father of the Teen.]

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Issue: January 2009