Q: My 13-year-old will agree, when discussing her chores, to do anything. We have tried rewards, removing privileges, and stern talks. I don't believe in corporal punishment. Still, the chores (like room cleaning, taking dishes to the table, not eating in her room, etc.) go undone. I'm her mother, not her maid, and I feel very disrespected (yes, I've told her this... she cries, and apologizes, but still her behavior doesn't change). What am I doing wrong?
A: Some teenagers when you ask them to do standard and reasonable household chores will do them. Some do not. Most, and it sounds like this is the case with your daughter, do agree in their hearts that they should do what is being asked of them. Most of them are not bad people. It is just that at any given moment they very much do not feel like doing what they should. And far more often than not these same kids grow into normal hard-working adults who don’t understand why their children won’t do even the simplest chores. What all of this means is that if you want your daughter to comply, lectures, punishments etc. are going to be of little useful effect. If you want her to comply you have to make a request and then be right there waiting for her to comply, not nagging her, but not leaving her side until she does what you ask. Children hate this, but they will - with fussing - almost always end up doing what you ask. Obviously this technique requires your time and energy which means that you do have to pick and choose what are those tasks that you care the most about, and which are maybe less important.
Q: I have a 16-year-old daughter. She can be a sweet lovable girl. But some times she just gets nasty. When she wants something and we don't give it to her or she doesn’t hear the answer she wants she threatens not to come home again. She has done this once before where she left home threatening us never to come back and she stayed with a friend for a week. Then she came home. I'm sick about these threats and what control she really has over us. I respect your opinions. Your book "Get Out of My Life" helped me a lot but doesn’t cover this area. Any suggestions. My husband is ready to tell her never to come back. HELP!
A: Most important is that in making decisions that affect your daughter you stay with what you are most comfortable with and not be swayed by her threats. The deal needs to be when that we decide something, we’re sorry if you don’t like it, but our decision stands. If you stay with what you decide I don’t see where she has control over you. If she runs away you have the option of involving the police to get her back, which you may or may not choose to do. But if she sees that running away, or the threats of running away, don’t change anything when she is at your house, then running away accomplishes nothing for her except that she ran away. Kicking her out of the house altogether may teach her that if you’re going to live here you have to live with our rules, but more often than not it just escalates bad feelings and does little that is positive.
Q; My 18-year-old college freshman got a tattoo. She does not know that I know, however she really knows how much I disapprove. We had discussed how this is not acceptable while she is dependent on my husband and I to pay for college. I am trying to decide how to react. I am furious and am considering significantly decreasing our contribution to her college funds. She would then need to take out loans. Do you have any suggestions about how I should deal with this?
A: There has been a significant change even in just the last few years such that virtually all teenagers want – sooner or later – to get tattoos. To the current generation of older teens and young adults tattoos simply do not have the same meaning as for previous generations. Your daughter may know how strongly you feel about her getting a tattoo, but my guess is that like virtually everybody her age she doesn’t see tattoos as wrong, as a sign of being in some way sleazy or tramp-like. You do have the leverage over her about college tuition, but it does seem very harsh to think about taking that away. As they become young adults the fact is that we don’t have the same control over them as before. Even though she is going directly against what you have said, there are a lot worse things she could be into than getting a tattoo.