Larry Rappaport, a Merion, Pennsylvania father, says his 17-year-old son "would rather watch television...alone than the same show downstairs with the rest of the family." Rappaport will often go up to his son's room to watch TV, just to spend a little time with him.
It's clear that he, like so many men who don't quite know what to do with the teen in their lives, is struggling to find a new approach to fatherhood.
As men watch their children grow from dependent, loving children into eye-rolling, back-talking teens, they often find themselves unsure of how to proceed. Instead of embracing their children's journey into independence, many fathers spend the teen years reflecting on the past, withdrawing from the present, and longing for the future. If fathers can learn to readjust and tame their expectations, they may find the rocky teen years less taxing.
RECALIBRATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
When your toddler began to walk, you baby-proofed the house because you assessed his needs and made adjustments. A combative teen now, he's actually screaming at you to recalibrate again.
While teen boys still admire their fathers, adolescence is about carving out their own identities. "A father has to respect...that his son needs to fight for autonomy," says Brad Sachs, a Maryland psychologist and author of When No One Understands: Letters to a Teenager on Life, Loss, and the Hard Road to Adulthood. You can be empathetic and still be in control by allowing your son to be separate and unique-within household rules.
Fathers of teen girls often feel anxiety as daughters mature. "The awareness of their daughter as a sexual being makes fathers flat-out uncomfortable," says Anthony Wolf, a Massachusetts-based psychologist and author of Get Out of My Life, But First Can You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? Fathers need to come to terms with the fact that their little girl is no longer a Dad-worshipper. "Cultivate something that puts you and your daughter in partnership," says Sachs. Find a hobby to do together; help her with a school project.