#2 Don’t take it personally. When her middle child was 14 years old, Colette Y. let her teen’s anger infuriate her. “When I tried talking to her about [cutting] school, she would flip the argument and attack my behavior and choices and we would quickly escalate to screaming matches,” the mother of three says. Arguments occurred almost daily until Young’s daughter eventually moved in with her dad.

It may be difficult, but don’t take offense to your teen’s anger and retaliate. Things will only get worse. And sometimes, even if directed at you, the anger isn’t about you. “If a parent forms a good, solid relationship with their child, there’s a sense of ‘no matter what I do, my parents will always be there’,” Langtiw explains. So, when the fury must surface, she aims at you – her “safe” target.

#3 Model better ways of expression. “You can tell teens lots of things, but what they see is what they’ll do,” says Langtiw. If you’re slamming things around and snapping at everyone after a bad day at work, your teen will probably react the same when angry. Conversely, if you say you’ve had a rough day and need a few minutes alone to cool down, that behavior will likely be mimicked.

#4 Give them power. It may seem your teen thinks he has tons of power, but sometimes explosive anger comes from the teen feeling others have all the power and he has none, Langtiw says. To help your teen see he can affect situations and control his reactions to them, she says: “Go through specific steps and help the child identify what it was that made them angry, how they handled the situation, and what they could do differently.” The point isn’t to blame the teen (sometimes they’re angry for valid reasons), but by getting them to step back and look for alternatives, they’ll be better equipped to deal with the situation next time.

Teens are known for being rebellious and moody, but don’t assume all anger is “typical” teen behavior. Anger can mask a variety of things–fear, jealousy, depression, and irritability related to a physical illness, Langtiw says. “If the anger is happening in a number of places (not only at home), if it’s disproportionate to that of other kids, if there’s any violence, lots of sadness, incessant crying, or threats to harm himself or others, those are signs to seek help from a professional,” she says.

While anger can leave both teens and parents on edge, Langtiw says, “Listening to your children, making sure they feel heard, allowing them the developmentally appropriate amount of autonomy and choice, and modeling proper ways to handle and express the anger” will help take the edge off.

 

Tamekia Reece is a writer in Houston, TX. She's written on parenting topics for Parents, Woman's Day, Parenting, and Fit Pregnancy. Visit her at? www.tamekiareece.com.

 

 

 

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Issue: December 2008