A father reflects upon his first 50 years in a letter to his college age children about how to wisely choose their friends. It started as private, family email. But the children realized the potential of this Life Lessons letter for mentoring people - throughout life - and encouraged their father to share it widely.
August 24, 2008
Dear Danielle and Jonathan,
Good luck tomorrow on your first day of school, Danielle's senior year and Jonathan's freshman year at the University of Missouri. I love you both and am bursting with pride about your accomplishments and potential to make a contribution in the world. I am also pleased that you live in the same city, Columbia, and hope that you can continue to be a source of strength for each other.
As I close my eyes, the years melt away, and I can see myself at your ages, 18 and 21, on my college campus: walking to class, browsing in the book store, engaged with friends, playing sports, studying late at night, and just being inspired by the motivated and talented people surrounding me. You are so fortunate now.
But the time between being a college student and being the parent of college students passes so quickly. To help you use your time well, I have compiled a list of life lessons. It draws upon my interactions with many people. It draws upon my many failures, as well as my successes.
Everyone deserves respect and compassion as a human being. But my hope is that as you meet new people, especially people with whom you may become close or intimate, you can use it to sort out who you can trust. As your grandfather drove me to college in 1976, he tried to do something similar by quoting Shakespeare. But his advice was over my head. So I will try to be more practical with you two. In a few years, perhaps you can do even better?
Love, Dad
Six Life Lessons from your Dad
Probe deeply, past appearance and even intelligence, to core character that people develop through experience. Ask these six hard questions of potential lovers, friends, and colleagues - patiently - sometimes allowing months for the true answers to emerge:
1) Do you have a good relationship with your parents, or if this is not possible, have you made peace with your parents?
We are born into this world dependent on parents and immediate family for everything that we need to survive. What kids learn from this experience depends on how well their parents lived up to this trust. Did the parents act maturely, in the best interests of their kids? Watch out for people who were neglected or abused, even verbally, by their parents. Unless they are making peace with it as adults, their unresolved anger at being hurt by a protector could turn into rage and explode on you.
Remember the ethics that you learned in the Ten Commandments, "Honor your Father and Mother ...". It does not say love your parents. Love between people is voluntary. No parents are perfect and some are abusive. So it is a good sign when someone rises above all of our imperfections and finds a way to at least honor their parents. Yet if you observe a person dishonoring someone else, especially one of their own parents, be realistic. Ask why you would have confidence that they might consistently honor or love you.
People who view one or both of their parents as heroes may be prepared to transfer that trust to a deserving third person - perhaps you - especially if you remind them of the parent that they view as a hero.