But for Maureen O., of Glendale, N.Y., mother to three daughters, “the biggest challenge we are facing right now is friends. Girls especially at this age can be extremely mean to one another.”

Dorene K., of Massapequa Park, N.Y., mother to Bryan, 12, and Michele, 8, concurs. “[They seem to feel] insecure about themselves and everything around them—girlfriends, boyfriends, smoking, fighting.” On the other hand, there’s “a tremendous push for more freedom.”

The eye-rolling and talking back, unpleasant as they may be, are markers of what goes on when preteens begin to separate from parents and form their own identity and set of values.

Smoothing the Way for Your Preteens

Parents can help make this transformative phase smoother by preparing their children for all the various changes to come.

Dorene’s son Bryan “fudges” a lot when he’s trying to get some new information out of her. ”He'll talk around it or completely change the subject,” she says. “Sometimes after we’ve talked for awhile, he’ll tell me the ‘real’ story, and sometimes he doesn’t, but I know that he's at least absorbed what I've said, because a lot of times when we talk about it at a later date, he'll say the stuff I've said to him as if he thought of it himself.”

Topics that might come up include body changes (“do I have cancer if I have sore breasts?”), sexual issues (“am I sex-crazed if I have erections?”) or less tangible issues, such as the changing social structures of middle school. “It’s hard to make friends,” says Steven M., 13, of Macungie, Pa. “It’s kind of cliquey. Since I’ve gotten older, everyone started sticking with their [old] friends, and no one’s expanding and making new friends.”

How to Get Around the Embarrassment

Preteens often clam up because they might think you won’t understand. “Parents need to open the door in order for their children to know that it is okay to ask, be curious, or worried,” Casparian says. “Kids are looking for permission and if no one offers, they will wait to find the information on their own, from friends or from school.” In addition to talking frequently, Casparian suggests using books (see Additional Resources) as a complementary resource. “This sends the message to children that their natural curiosity is normal,” she says. “It also allows children to read as much or as little as they need.”

By paying attention to cues and leaping at opportunities to develop a new type of relationship, you can help make puberty tolerable—if not actually pleasant!—for your preteen.

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Issue: December 2008