Try some of these strategies:
1. Don’t give back what you’re receiving. If you just yell at each other, nothing will ever be accomplished.
2. Stay calm. Tell your teen exactly what it is that upsets you and why you feel it needs to be changed. If you just can’t be in the room together, write a note and put it under his or her bedroom door, inviting a return reply.
3. Use “I” phrasing when you speak. Instead of some general directions, be sure you always say, “You upset me when you do this and I get very angry because…” This establishes your ability to handle anger and use logic rather than emotion.
4. Listen to what your teen has to say. Be sure you really hear what your child is saying and ask questions if you’re not getting it. Allow your teen to express him or herself and then incorporate these ideas into your solution. You might say, “I respect your opinion, but here’s how I see it.”
5. Don’t lose track of your goal. If all this started because you wanted your teen to take out the garbage or finish her homework, remember to refocus on this after you have cleared the air.
6. Don’t hold a grudge. When you’ve aired your views, move on. If you hold onto your feelings of hurt and anger, your child will know the fight isn’t over. Which it should be.
See timely resources on disrespect.
Janice Leiber 12/09/07
I get nothing but ‘lip’ from my 15 and 17-year-olds and I think I am really respectful of them! They see their friends giving a lot of guff to their parents and then it comes home to our house. My suggestion? Get them with another relative or older friend who has some distance from them—and tell that person to be really strict about the eye-rolling and talking back. I think it’s getting too close to your kid that makes them feel they have the upper hand. I know, when I just give up, my mother can rope them back in line!
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