Question:
I have an 18 year old daughter who has an 11 month old baby. My daughter's attitude was bad enough before she got pregnant, but now, she is hardly home (we take care of the baby), and when she is home, she either wants money or the car or complains about the way we are raising her daughter.I love my daughter, and granddaughter, but I don't know how much longer I can put up with her attitude.
What can I do?
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Elizabeth M. Casparian, Ph.D . is Director of Educational Programs at HiTOPS in Princeton, NJ, where she and her staff provide educational programs to teens and parents throughout New Jersey. She answers:
Your daughter, even though she is also a mother, is a teenager and is acting like one! Teens, because of their developmental level and because of the culture in which we live, are often self-centered, act entitled and can generally make their wonderful and caring parents want to tear all their hair out. Most teens do well with structure and limits. In fact, many of them test to see how far they can go before someone takes notice and lays down some boundaries and limits for them. While I am not sure what the exact arrangement is that you have with your daughter regarding care for your grand daughter, if the child is going to grow up knowing who her mother is and be bonded to her, then your daughter needs to spend time with her. All teens need to learn to balance their school work, jobs, social life, etc. your daughter has one big additional thing to juggle motherhood! Some time limits, curfews and boundaries need to be set for her and YOU need to be able to enforce them. Whether she is earning money from you to spend on gas or clothes or time she needs to study or have a social life, you need to set up a plan where she is home, caring for her daughter and contributing to your family by doing chores, etc. in exchange for privileges like going out or having spending money. You also need to have calm, thoughtful conversations about child-rearing practices. You need to be able to listen thoughtfully to her concerns and see if you can compromise on some of the things that she feels strongly about. She needs to listen to you and she needs to realize that all parents have to compromise when they entrust the care of their children to someone else. A parent can request that a caregiver abide by certain customs and protocols, but in the end, whoever is with the child is making the decisions in the moment. Most parents are happy that their child is fed, loved and kept safe and read to and played with too. Being a teen parent is difficult and challenging and it has not only completely changed her life, but yours as well. Both of you need to be keenly aware of this and be sure you are not letting underlying anger and resentment color your judgment about raising this child. Hope this helps.