Question:
I have a problem, can you give me any suggestions? I have a 13 yr old daughter, and 9 year old son. I got married last year and my daughter cannot stand my husband. We moved an hour away from our hometown due to work and she is very pissed at me. She and her brother decided with their dad that they would go to school in their hometown, where their dad lives. I have custody of them but I allowed them to do this thinking they would be happy. I want them to be happy, but my daughter is very angry at me, although this is what they wanted.. it is killing me but I decided to try it anyways. So she is angry because of course she wants her mom, but she wants her friends more... they stay with me on the weekend and she just stays in her room most time. She is a very good kid.... but right now she has a very bad attitude. I can’t talk to her without clashing... help me please......Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Dr. Michael Schwartzman is a family therapist in New York City and the co-author of "The Anxious Parent". He answers:
Taken individually, the three main issues in your letter, 1. A daughter turning thirteen and being at a point of greater separation and turning towards friendship and independence from home; 2. Divorce and remarriage and the anger most children feel at their family being broken apart and parents becoming happy at what seems to the child to be their expense; 3. Relocation and change from neighborhood and social routine; would each deserve a sympathetic response from us and an individual consultation, at least. But taken together you are really asking how to maintain a relationship with someone who, while in the midst of a developmental upheaval, is required to go through a real life change, and not by her own choosing. This, in fact, may require a professional consultation as your daughter's needs may go beyond the scope of any parent's caregiving abilities.
Try to keep several points in mind as you gently approach your daughter. Make sure to remember that even though this may be a happy time for you and your new husband, it is clearly not that way for your daughter. Don't act resentful towards her and don't lay any guilt on her for not sharing your experience. It is not hers. It is okay if she does not share your point of view. Accept her and her differences. Don't expect her to make your husband her stepfather anytime soon. It may be very important that you transmit some of what you have to input to your ex-husband, her father, who may be in a better position to parent for both of you. She may be too hurt and angry to hear it from you and really can make better use of him at this point. Give her time to heal the hurt that has come from all the change and accept that her pain is at least as significant as your joy, but that she needs to make her way before she will come to overtly accept your decisions that have caused her this pain. Most importantly, in the face of her hostile and rejecting behavior, remain a loving and patient mom. More concerned that she find her way to wholeness, even if it means that she does this without your active participation. As she calms and regulates herself there will be plenty of time for reunion and further development between you. First she has to regain some control of what she can. Always remember, if you didn't really make a difference to her and mean so much, she would not have come to feel such hurt over potentially loosing you and what family/community life had come to mean to her. With patience and perseverance this too can pass.