Question:
Before school started, our teen son agreed that he would be home on school nights by 10PM. At the time, we plainly stated that the time was partly for parent convenience since we got up early for work and needed the sleep. Now, school has started and he wants to go to a concert on a school night that won't get out until 11-12. I reminded him of his agreement and he said that he wanted to go to the concert despite the agreement. I told him that there would be consequences if he chose to break the agreement and he said he didn't care. He just turned 18 and had become quite disobedient and, in some respects, daring us to punish him. He has no car priviledges, no job, no girlfriend. The only 2 priviledges he has are a cell phone and internet. We have had many family meetings to discuss the defiance. He basically agrees to anthing we say to end the conversation and get away from us. Then, when we bring up the agreement (like this situation) he just does what he wants. His reaction is like a 2 year old having a temper tantrum. He was not this way when he was 2! Any suggestions on how to make these conversations/agreements stick better. I imagine I'll just take away his cell phone for this infraction. Maureen GAnswer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Dr. Anthony E. Wolf, author of "'Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?' A Parents Guide to the New Teenager", answers:
Your son just turned eighteen and, I assume, will be out of high school in a year. At that point it will be up to him to make a life for himself and it will be your choice as to how much you want to support him at that time – money, food, a place to live. The deal between parent and child changes dramatically once they reach that next stage in their lives. Until then you may save yourself and him a lot of stress by recognizing that he is eighteen and the real controls that you have over him at this point are definitely limited. In the not too distant future what he does in his life is going to be completely up to him. It does not work at the last lap of adolescence to try to straighten them out if you haven’t already. You should make what expectations you have of him clear. He may or may not comply to the degree that you would like. But I would recommend not going overboard with negative consequences as the unpleasantness of battling will outweigh the benefits. Further, if the conversations and agreements have not been too fruitful to this point, again I would not put too much energy into them. The main point is that he has a giant awakening coming up in the near future where his status as a child who gets unqualified support ends. This is a transition time where you may have to give up a degree of control against the near future where you won’t have any, but neither will he have the right to expect anything from you without his having to earn through his behavior.