Question:
Our family is in crisis! We have been in UK for 10 months and are returning to a new state CA in December we previously lived in OH. Our 14 yr old son gifted 139 IQ with ADD he is defiant and lacks respect fro his parents. Recently he became aggressive and bit his dad. This was the last straw for his Dad and he says I chose between my son or him. We also have a 13 yr old daughter.My husband has been emotionally unavailable for my son over the past year and does not speak with him. My husband does not believe in therapy. But has never tried it. I do believe in therapy.My husband wants to send my son to boarding diciplined school. But says he no longer wants any communication with my son. I agree my son needs help, but we need to work as a family to get him better. Please any suggestions? HELP
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Donna Secor Pennington, LMSW, has been a school social worker at the high school level for twenty years and has been an advocate for programs and services for teens and parents. She answers:
As you recognize, when family members begin to pose a physical threat to one another, it very clearly time to seek outside help. Multiple moves during the adolescent years are much harder on teenagers than we may want to admit and may result in anxiety, anger and resentment. Very bright teens tend to be more sensitive than their peers and more vulnerable to anger and depression. You son’s ADD is also likely to be contributing to his aggressive behavior, since ADD teens struggle with impulsivity and self control.
Sending your son away to school may provide a temporary fix but may make him feel more alienated and will not address the issues in his relationship with his father, nor help him learn to cope with his feelings and improve his self-control. He should have treatment by a mental health professional for his ADD, as well as an assessment to determine if he has also experiencing some depression or other emotional distress.
You are caught in an unfortunate position between your husband and your son and you will need some support as well. Your husband may be having difficulty understanding your son’s behavior and be responding out of his own hurt and anger. Perhaps you could enlist the help of a third party such as another relative or a physician to try to help him see the situation from your son’s perspective, as well as your son’s need for treatment. At any rate, with the ongoing risk of further physical or psychological harm to your family it is critical that you seek help, with or without your husband’s cooperation.