Question:
I have a question for the counselor-As a single parent with a teen in her first year of college-how can I be aware of what she is up to in her personal life-and offer her support? We have had many conflicts in the past-and I know she is sexually active and her boyfriend goes to the same school and I fear she is enjoying her sexual side. I found pictures posted on my cell phone acct of her breasts that she had sent to someone (who?). I would like to see her in counseling but and not sure how to approach this with her- any help is appreciated- thank you Donya in Atlanta.Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Elizabeth M. Casparian, Ph.D. is Director of Educational Programs at HiTOPS in Princeton, NJ, where she and her staff provide educational programs to teens and parents throughout New Jersey. She answers:
Thanks for your good question. When children go off to college, it can sometimes feel that we have lost total access to being the supportive and watchful parent that we may have tried to be when they lived with us every day. The good news is that it is never too late to be able to have a dialogue with your kids about the issues and concerns that you have about the many decisions they must make every day. In some cases, the distance and perspective that being away at college offers, also helps parents and children begin to communicate on a new level.
Because she is now over 18 and living a good portion of her life away from you, you will do best if you respect and treat her more like a mature adult. Often it takes the parent to change first how they relate to the child for communication patterns and old habits to change – and it is not easy! You can ask her about the school’s health center and if they provide good reproductive health care and encourage her to go for regular check ups. Most college health centers will help her learn to prevent her risks if she goes there for birth control. If she says the health care situation is not good, offer to help her find a good doctor so that she can protect her health. You can tell her how proud of her you are when she makes a good decision, whether about health care or any other issues. You can ask her about how she spends her time and what she enjoys, and try not to judge or give advice – just listen and try to learn who she is and who she is becoming. If you can train yourself to listen to her and ask her open-ended questions, chances are she will start to feel more able to open up to you. You can tell her stories about the things in college that you found challenging (or that happened to you when you were her age) and ask her if she feels similarly. Over time, she might be interested in asking for your advice. You can also tell her that you are willing to listen and offer advice, but you will take her lead. As parents, we will always want to protect our children from pain and harm, but we need to find ways to do that, especially as they begin to leave the nest, that protect their growing need for independence. They also need to know that we will support them, even when they make poor decisions, or choices that we wish they would not make.
Ultimately her sexual life is hers and she will have to make decisions about it herself. If she is enjoying her sexuality in safe, consensual and responsible ways, that is far better than experiencing it at high risk, with shame, guilt or pain – even if her enjoyment and participation makes you uncomfortable and clashes with your values. If her health (both physical and mental) and safety are not at risk, she may not need counseling – but she will benefit from the caring support and love that parents can often provide.