Question:
We have an adopted daughter from India who is 12. I would like to know how we should handle/react to her. When we try to have a discussion with her regarding maybe discontinuing something she's involved in or being able to go or do something she becomes very defensive and talks back. Always interrupts with smart remarks and facial expressions. Also when we have tried to help her with school work (i.e. she didn't get all the information on an assignment and rather than talk to the teacher, she just didn't hand it in. We suggested to her that she double-check with the teacher that she has the right assignment information, and she just says no to all our suggestions - she will not do that.) Pretty much when we say "black she says white". Can you give me any tips on dealing with this type of behavior???Answer:
Trisha Snidersich, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in work with children and adolescents, particularly around issues resulting from trauma. She provides individual and family therapy in addition to facilitating parenting skills groups. Currently, she is also managing a school based youth services program. She answers:
To address the question you didn’t ask, I must briefly discuss the normative development of a 12-year-old. Many parents of children near the age of your daughter have a similar concern. That is to say that parents often feel like they are losing their little girl or boy. And, in a sense, that is true. The purpose of a parent is to raise a child so that they may function independently as an adult. For this to happen, that child needs to separate from the parental figure and learn how to meet his or her own needs. The first time in a child’s life this phenomenon occurs is around age two. This is when a child first begins to learn 1) the actual limits of the control that they have over their environment and 2) that they are separate from their caregiver. This same learning experience occurs during adolescence, on a whole new level. When a tween or teenager begins to exert an inflated sense of control over their lives, they are actually practicing for later independence. Their judgment will sometimes be off, but their mistakes help them learn what they can and can’t do. At times, adolescents also can try to push very far back from their parents in an effort to successfully gain independence. To a parent, all this can feel like years of secure attachment are being torn apart. However, it doesn’t necessarily mean that this connection is actually being damaged. Sometimes it helps parents of adolescents to know that this experience is not uncommon and it does not necessarily indicate a need for therapeutic services. Sit down and negotiate a set of house rules for her, with rewards for compliance. And pick your battles!