Question:
My 13 year old son is bright but has decided not to tune in to school? In elementary school in 5th grade he started to tune out tested for a magnet school got in and now has decided he doesn't need school or want. He lies frequently and has problems prioritizing. The school disability counselor (He was diagnosed with ADHD and takes Focalin) told me that I need to step back let him make mistakes and learn the lesson about failure, that middle school is still a safe time for him to learn that. I don't feel like my son cares if he fails? I know I should take away privileges if he doesn't do well but I can't enforce it alone, I live with my elderly in-laws and my disabled husband and am tearing my hair out trying to figure out what I can do and have the power to enforce. I am open to your suggestions?Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Donna Secor Pennington, LMSW, has been a school social worker at the high school level for twenty years and has been an advocate for programs and services for teens and parents. She answers:
I want to be cautious in offering a different perspective than your son’s school counselor, however, I do believe that children benefit much more from successful experiences than from failure. It is not unusual for students with ADHD to dislike school. It is harder for them to get organized, pay attention and get their work done. They tend to live “in the moment” and not think about the long term importance of getting a good education. Lying is not uncommon either as a way to avoid doing their work.
Work closely with your doctor to make sure that your son’s medication is as effective as it can be in helping him. You and his teachers should be able to see a difference if it is working properly. You might also consider whether this magnet school is the best learning environment for him. ADHD students benefit from as much structure, support and supervision as possible, although it is also helpful if they have positive relationships with their teachers. Your son may be eligible for educational accommodations that could help him with organization, work completion and taking tests.
You will not be able to control everything that happens to him at school, but you should continue to advocate for him when you can. Bright young people with ADHD often experience increasing success as they grow in maturity and self-awareness.