Parenting Teens Online

Answer:

ParentingTeensOnline expert Elizabeth M. Casparian, Ph.D. is Director of Educational Programs at HiTOPS in Princeton, NJ, where she and her staff provide educational programs to teens and parents throughout New Jersey. She answers:

Thank you for your good question.  One of the hardest parts of being the parent of a teenagers is watching them make mistakes and put themselves in situations where they might get hurt.  While we as parents are supposed to protect our children from harm, as they become teens, we need to navigate the very fine line between protecting them and helping them learn from the consequences of their decisions.  With a life or death decision, parents really have little choice but to step in.  In less dire situations, however, we can sometimes do good parenting by allowing our children to make choices with which we do not agree, and then helping them learn when they suffer the consequences of those choices.

It is certainly a good idea to ask your son what it is about this young woman that he likes and to see if, after spending time with her, you might be able to see it too.  If you and his father both take time to really get to know her and you still have reservations about the relationship, then you can share your concerns with your son and ask him to help you feel reassured that his is not putting himself at risk.  By asking him to help you feel better about the relationship, you are giving him some responsibility for his decisions and also including him in learning how to protect himself.  Forbidding him from seeing her or otherwise making him feel as though you do not approve, will likely push him away and may bring out a more rebellious response.   If the relationship is really bad for him chances are it will reach a natural end on its own.  Even if there is pain involved for him, try hard not to say, “I told you so.”  Acknowledge his feelings for her and support him as he grieves the ending of the relationship.