Question:
I read my 14 yr old son's texts/emails without his knowledge. Recently I saw 2 photos of naked girls that were sent to him & that it appears he sent to others. These may be local girls but I'm not sure. In any event, I didn't want him to know I read his texts so in a general way I told him I heard from other parents that these photos were being passed around and asked if he ever got one. He flat out lied and said no. Now I'm more concerned about the lying than the photos. How do I confront him without him knowing I read his texts?Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Kelly Mendoza, is a doctoral student at Temple University who has researched parental management of media in the home, provided educational outreach to parent and tweens about media literacy, and developed parent and teacher curriculum. She works in the Media Education Lab at Temple. She answers:
Teens rely on Internet to explore sexuality (through porn or other sexual information), and the increased use of cell phones to send nude or provocative pictures is increasing among teens. It is a natural part of sexual development for young people to seek out nude photos, yet it is much easier for teens to access and hide this behavior due to digital media. You have tried to start the conversation about the nude photos with no success. His lying is likely due to embarrassment about discussing the topic rather than wanting to deceive you. Rather than reading his texts/emails without his knowledge, many parents require an “open book” policy where the child or teen knows that their communication will be read by parents. The open-book policy is part of many families’ “Media House Rules.” You need to confront him about the photos, and confront him directly that these were photos received and then sent by him (being sent to others is highly problematic as well). If you need to blame the cell phone company in order to start this conversation (rather than share it was your snooping), that may help. You may then want to require an open-book policy, limit photos and texting, or ask the cell phone company if they provide a service that filters inappropriate texts and photos. Also, a more general conversation is needed about sex and sexual issues (if you haven’t done this already). Although this is an uncomfortable conversation, parents who are open to talk about sex with their teens not only have a better relationship, but teens are more likely to have knowledge to debunk “myths” about sex, and they are more likely to know healthy behavior. The last thing you want is a climate of distrust and secrecy, so have this conversation and get these issues out in the open.