Question:
My daughter (14) has been really happy at her new school – we moved last spring and she has adjusted well. I have noticed that she is dressing differently (a lot more black), wears perfume (she never did before), listens to different music, and doesn’t like me to come in her room. Is this just normal teen behavior or is she hiding something? I wonder if she might be covering up the smell of grass with the perfume. What do you think?Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Stephen Wallace, fields questions about drugs and alcohol. Stephen Wallace is the Chairman & Chief Executive Officer of SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions), and has served as school psychologist, camp director, and college professor. You can read more about him on SADD's site. Stephen answers:
You must be pleased that your daughter has adjusted well to her new town and school. I know from personal experience that moving at age 14 can be tough. Of course, changes in behavior, including seeking more independence and privacy, are normal during adolescence and generally reflect healthy steps in personal development. However, what you describe raises some red flags. Wanting more independence and privacy does not square with excluding you from her room and, while there’s nothing wrong with black clothing or perfume, you are right to be wary … and vigilant!
SADD’s Teens Today research shows that there is a spike in drug use between the 8th and 9th grades and while 95 percent of parents say they trust their teens in making decisions about drugs, only 28 percent of teens report being completely honest with parents on the issue. And that says nothing of the often-elaborate steps teens will take to conceal, not just lie about, their drug use.
On the other hand, there are many young people who don’t use drugs! They are more likely than those who do to report that they have a close relationship with their parents and to say that their parents exercise a lot of "control" over various aspects of their lives, including where they go, what they do, and whom they are with. They also report that the most effective ways to steer them away from drugs are perhaps the simplest: discuss the dangers and explain the expectations.
Indeed, teens who have open and honest communication with their parents are more likely to avoid drugs, to try to live up to their parents’ expectations regarding drug use, and to say that their parents’ methods of keeping them away from drugs are effective. These teens also report that they are less likely to use drugs when their parents make clear that such behavior won’t be tolerated.
Breaking the ice – and receiving honest answers – on these hard to talk about topics is a considerable challenge for the parents of most teenagers. But we know it’s worth the effort. Here are five quick tips to get started:
1. Talk at a time that’s convenient for both of you
2. Express your desire to hear your daughter’s point of view
3. Communicate your wish to relate to one another
4. Listen carefully
5. Establish your expectations for your daughter and explain what the consequences will be for violating family rules