Question:
I have a 16 year old son. He is intelligent, gets mostly A's , not really athletic but does participate in Cross Coutnry. He hasn't really made any new friends in high school. He got a new group of friends in in Jr. High and hangs out with these guys still. He is smart and does well in school. My problem is his friends and his attitude. He hangs out with kids that about 90% are from single mother homes where the dad isn't in the picture and the mom is working so hard to make ends meet that she isn't very present either. Very few of them do well in school and only a few may attend college. Most of them have huge authority issues. A few have been caught drinking and sneaking out at night. Rumors of drug use are circling too. His father and I are on my son all the time - hence his attitude and resentment towards us. He has never been caught doing anything wrong and we have no signs of him drinking or using drugs. I am trying to get him to expand out to other groups but he just won't and gets extremely angry and defiant whenever the subject is brought up. I am at a loss. Should we keep trying to encourage him to do other things or give up and let it be? Are we right to worry or over reacting?Help.
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Stephanie DeSouza, has her masters in Clinical Social Work. She has been in the field for over 10 years. Stephanie has worked in the private sector, community agencies, brain injury, and is now the Director of Counseling Services at The Pennington School in NJ. She also has a private practice in Newtown, PA where she works mostly with children who have High Functioning Autism and other social and behavioral issues. Stephanie developed and is the director of a day camp for children with Asperger’s Syndrome and similar social disorders in Bucks County, PA . To learn more about the camp, go to www.campconcepts.org and click on “Expressions”. She answers:
My first reaction to your question, is to make sure you keep the lines of communication open with your son. I can understand your concerns about his current friends, and sounds like from your description he has difficultly forming new friendships. The fact that he has good grades is encouraging, but does not mean you should stop talking to him about who he socializes with, where they are, and what he and his friends are doing. This is not an easy one to handle. Balancing your parental concerns and actions while trying to be respectful of your son’s choices without pushing him away is extremely delicate!
You must be clear about your concerns with your son and what your expectations are of him with regard to checking in, that you know where he is at all times, and that there must be a parent present in any home in order for him to be there. It is OK for you to say he cannot be in his friend’s house without parental supervision. I am not sure how you would feel about having his friends in your home, but that could be an option. It may help him see that you are trying to support him, while getting to know these boys better yourself. A call to the other parents is also an option to share your family rule about parents being home when kids are in the house. You might be surprised to learn they feel the same way. That way all of his friends would be getting the same message.
I agree you need to keep an eye on your son, especially if you feel he is at risk. Take advantage of parent/teacher conferences and report card time to communicate with his teachers on his overall progress and mood and/or behavior at school. Listen to your instincts and if you feel your son is experimenting with drugs or alcohol, ask him and seek professional help if necessary.
Back to my initial comment, talk to your son. Ask him what he likes about these boys, what they have in common, types of activities they do when they spend time together. Remember it is OK, for our kids to be mad at us because we sometimes need to set limits and boundaries if they are unable to do this on their own.