Question:
I am a single mother and have had financial loses from a business failed venture I was forced to liquidate my 401k and the boys 529 funds 4 years ago in fear of a bankruptcy pending. I did not file but sold the business for a loss and then have lost 2 jobs since >I now am in school full time. My ex husband took me to court twice over this matter and a social security benefits issue. He is disabled and receives social security and so do the minor children. I had a bad out come from both court dates and we share joint custody but somehow I had the choice of either paying him child support or give the social security benefits to him. I am currently in a foreclosure and bankruptcy pending because the judge ordered me to pay back the funds which at this time I can not. My oldest son now 19 has moved out of my home and is attending college. He was offered a full scholarship to play football but turned it down and choice a different college to attend. In essence I was sued by my son for the repayment. I blame him and his father for my new added losses. what should I do as a parent now with this older son? He hasn't talked to me much since the court thing and now realizes he won't get anything and I now have to move out to low rent income.I told him he was selfish to put us through more stress I have a boyfriend who loves me and had been paying my house payment for me.my ex and son thought he should pay back the money especially if we chose to get married after I graduate from college in 2 more years.Should I reach out to this son or let him figure out the toughness of life and difficulty many are facing now.Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Jim Marchesi, CFP, is a Partner in Mill Ridge Wealth Management, LLP, a division of LPL Financial in Chester, New Jersey. He answers:
As important as it is to dedicate money to long-term accounts (401ks, 529 accounts for young children, etc), it is equally important for families to develop and manage a financial framework that accounts for all the "what-ifs" in day to day life - sometimes it is as critical to direct funds to an "in case of emergency" account instead of just towards a long-term investment.
Every coin has two sides - while it hurts to hear the pain that all parties have felt in the situation you described, it seems critical to be able to analyze what went wrong from a decision-making perspective, both financially and emotionally.
If there is a desire for all individuals involved to respect and care for each other, hearing each person's perspective on how things got off course could be a very helpful exercise (there are many qualified professionals, such as a counselor, social worker, or therapist, that can help moderate such sessions). After all parties are slightly closer to a solution, it might make sense to consider a mediator, yet there would have to be constructive discussions between the involved parties prior to agreeing on the mediation. (You can't go to a mediator at this point, when all parties are so far apart in their respective positions on the issues.)
Going forward, more communication is better - couples and families need to be realistic. It may make sense to discuss your future financial intentions with qualified resources, and consider the potential impact on involved parties before finalizing your decisions. In this case, it seems that no one had a pre-meditated intention of causing harm or loss to others. Set the table for a meaningful, real discussion with your son and focus on how he feels, and ask him to do the same. Hopefully, over time, you can both function with a new respect for the other.