Question:
My 15 year old daughter came home from school on the bus and told me that a boy had inappropriately touched her on the schoolbus. She told me she said NO but she was timid about it and not at all as assertive as she should have been. It made her uncomfortable and she is afraid that it would be committing social suicide if she made a big deal out of it.As a parent, I am disgusted on so many levels but so honored that she still trusts me to tell me these things. I am however, at a loss as to what my actions should be.
I know i need to teach her to be more self confident and say NO and mean it or she is going to end up in trouble.
But I dont know how to do this?????
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Elizabeth M. Casparian, Ph.D. is Director of Educational Programs at HiTOPS in Princeton, NJ, where she and her staff provide educational programs to teens and parents throughout New Jersey. She answers:
You are right to be honored that your daughter reported this to you because many young people do not report things to their parents – most often because a parent’s first instinct is to make the “big deal” out of the situation and most teens are terrified of that happening, exactly as your daughter described.
What your daughter experienced, however, IS a big deal and it does need to be managed. This is a classic and clear case of sexual harassment behavior. In addition to thanking your daughter for coming to you, let her know that you will not do anything about it unless she agrees. Then start to talk with her about what she thinks she is willing to do. Can she report the incident anonymously to someone at school? Would she allow you to report it anonymously to the bus company so that they can monitor it more carefully on ALL the buses? Can she write down the entire incident, including date, time, what was done, what she said, who witnessed it, etc so that she has a record for use at a later time? If you promise you won’t do anything yet, but give her some things she can do, as well as confirm that this is wrong and illegal behavior, she may decide that she does want to do something about it. If she sees it happening to anyone else, she might want to speak up too.
In the meantime, you can ask her how she would handle it if it happened in the future, how can she protect herself (sit elsewhere, sit with a friend, speak less-timidly, etc). If it continues to happen (and she needs to keep a record) then you and she will have to decide who you will tell. You can also call the guidance counselor at the school and ask what would happen if you reported such a thing hypothetically – to see how they would help her be protected from the social suicide she so fears. It may be that you can lobby for getting some sexual harassment prevention education into the school (which should be happening anyway) and that might really help the behaviors stop or will empower others to report it so that this individual can be stopped.
Your daughter has been the victim of something difficult and unpleasant. Help support and empower her by including her in the next steps and not reporting without her permission. If the situation gets worse, having her help decide how and to whom it will be reported will be more empowering than doing it without her consent.