Question:
Ok, I have three teenagers, oldest is off at college, but late last year decided against my wishes, to move in with my ex husband, her father. He didn't support my position and as a result, let her have unfounded freedom. She managed to graduate, after almost failing college English and life went on. She is a wonderful person and it was a huge surprise and very hurtful for me, at times I just kept telling myself there is a lesson to be learned and I will find out what as time goes by. Now, my question is about my other two teenagers, my son is 15 and youngest daughter 13. I have continued to request/ask my ex husband to please communicate with the adult parent, me in regards to the younger teenagers. Without warning over and over again, I am always surprised my his request to the kids, not me, he will call them on there cell phones or in person ask them to do things with him and then the kids are surprised when I say NO! This is really a bigger issue then I can explain, however, it is hurting my ability to parent and in the back of their minds and now verbally, they think they can do whatever they want whenever they want because they have seen their oldest sister, now 18 mind you, leave our house and live with their father and get away with whatever she wanted. They have verbally advised me they can do whatever they want, they are old enough to make those decisions?! Hello, I am the parent! I don't have a master plan, however I do have their best interest. How do I keep things in perspective? How do I as the Mother deal with my ex's continual disrespect for my decisions?Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Trisha Snidersich, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in work with children and adolescents. She provides individual and family therapy in addition to facilitating parenting skills groups. She answers:
This situation is one that I frequently hear about when it comes to separated families. Divorced parents often struggle with having to split guardianship of children and how to be consistent in parenting when the kids deal with two different households. Unfortunately, there is not a simple formula for how to make everything work smoothly all the time.
One helpful thing to do is to clearly and kindly convey to the children that there are in fact two different households governed by two different people. For some divorced couples, it may be possible to still present a united front to their children despite the separation. For many others, that is just not an option. You can remain consistent in your parenting approach and let the children know they must learn to negotiate within your rules when they are with you and they can do things differently when they are with their father. One way for you and your family to think about it is to pretend a different language is spoken in each home. If your son and daughters tried to speak their father’s language in your home, you may not understand it and therefore wouldn’t respond in the same way as he would. The same rule applies here- you do not speak this other language and when they are with you, the children need to speak “Mom.” In some ways, it can be confusing for them, but eventually, with your help they can be successful in managing their behaviors and understanding the different expectations had of them in each of their two homes.
Another key point is for you to really think about why you have the expectations you do regarding their behavior and communication with their father. It is understandable and quite common for a separated mother or father to unconsciously make parenting decisions based on past hurts rather than on a current assessment of what is best for the child. This is not to assume that is what is happening in your situation, but it is worth considering. Regardless of whether or not this type of influence is present, you must keep in mind that the decisions you make now in dealing with your adolescents will affect the relationship you have with them in the future. It is, of course, essential to maintain limits and boundaries, but doing a parenting self-check is also imperative. Sometimes, when a parent in circumstances such as yours does this kind of self-exploration, they find that they don’t mind giving in a little and compromising with their child so rules can be a better fit for all.
Talk to your adolescents about the behaviors you are having problems with and see if they can help come up with ways that are comfortable for them in regards to communicating or spending time with their father. Being involved in rule making in this manner can help an adolescent to feel empowered since their voice is being heard. This can lend itself to their better following the rules and an increased sense of respect for you, since you respected them enough to hear them out.