Question:
My 12 year old daughter had been using my laptop. When I went to check my email, her email was open and I saw an email she had sent to a friend in which she said something very mean (using an expletive) about another student. I told her that I saw the email and she denied writing it. The problem is that it was in the quoted part of a reply email and it was clearly in an email sent by her. She insists that she didn't write it, but when I ask her to explain it she just says, "I don't know." This is the second incident this week where I've been sure she's lying to me, but she cries and insists she's not and screams "Why can't you trust me?" and "Why won't you believe me?" I don't know how to respond. She is an extremely good kid, and I usually can trust her, but in these two instances I'm sure she's lying. How do I deal with this without causing her to think I'll never trust her again?Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Stephanie DeSouza, has her masters in Clinical Social Work. She has been in the field for over 10 years. Stephanie has worked in the private sector, community agencies, brain injury, and is now the Director of Counseling Services at The Pennington School in NJ. She also has a private practice in Newtown, PA where she works mostly with children who have High Functioning Autism and other social and behavioral issues. Stephanie developed and is the director of a day camp for children with Asperger’s Syndrome and similar social disorders in Bucks County, PA . To learn more about the camp, go to www.campconcepts.org and click on “Expressions”. She answers:
It is great to hear that this situation is not the norm for your daughter. It could be that there are some new stressors happening at school, which developmentally is typical at her age. Managing friendships, which sounds like the problem here, can be extremely challenging for anyone middle school student. Thus, why you may be experiencing some changes in your daughter’s behavior.
With regard to lying, acknowledge that she is a wonderful person and how proud you are of her and “give her permission” to admit to making mistakes and being untruthful. Help her see that admitting to the e-mail will only help you trust her and see that she is able to admit her mistakes. Explain that stress can cause everyone to handle conflict differently, whether it is with a parent or a friend. With that said, you may not get her to admit to writing the e-mail in this situation and I wouldn’t push the issue. Let her know what is acceptable and not acceptable with regard to language and communication in general when e-mailing, IMing, and texting. E-mailing privileges could be taken away as a consequence if appropriate.
The other critical piece to explain to your daughter is that once she sends a message out over the internet there is no taking it back. Even though she may send it to a trusting friend, there is no stopping that person from passing it along to others. Most schools have policies about cyber bullying that she should be made aware of. The school counselor is an excellent resource to help her navigate through the challenges of peer relations and for you as well. The counselor can also help to educate your daughter and the other students about the potential dangers for all involved when using technology as a form of communication.