Question:
My son is 16. Last year he was attacked at school and suffered severe brain trauma. Lost a full year of school, his personality went from a decent,caring ,loving,kid to as verbal and physical violent person. There were other things on that line and we were told it was due to the brain trying to heal itself and could take up to 2 yrs. As I said it's been 1 yr. and he was on a mood stabilizer Rx. It worked fine but then the more he healed the more adverse the rx worked. We were also told any problems he had resolved may come back full force w/o any resolutions. Now, 95% healed, he tells me in counseling-he hates me,has 0 respect for me,I'm worhtless,i'm useless,and he sees his Aunt-my sister as his mom. Is this also part of a Teen,part of healing Neurologically,or both or something else? I love him beyond my life,but, his words are more then I can emotionally take. He feels the same to my husband. Is there anything we can do or have/are we doing it?Answer:
Charles Atkins, MD is a board-certified psychiatrist and author. He has published several book, both fiction and non-fiction including THE BIPOLAR DISORDER ANSWER BOOK (Sourcebooks 2007) and a psychological thriller that examines the issue of out-of-control teens, RISK FACTOR (St. Martin's Press and soon-to-be released in paperback by Dorchester Press/Leisure Books). His website is www.charlesatkins.com. He answers:
This is a complex question, where the most-important part of the answer is to stress how much you are doing right. You are getting your son necessary treatment and therapy, and most-importantly you are being there in a loving, consistent and solid way. This is what he needs, even though his behavior and verbal tirades may say the opposite. Why this question is so complex has to do with the nature of brain trauma combined with the broad range of normal teen development, and the added twist of psychological damage from the traumatic experience of having been so seriously assaulted.
Depending on how and where the brain was injured personality changes, impulsivity and angry outbursts can be residual after affects. That said, newer brain research has shown that what was previously thought true "damaged brain doesn't heal" is in fact not accurate. The brain cells (neurons) do make new connections. The healing can be thought of as someone going through rehab for a damaged limb; it is slow repetitive work that moves you toward your goals. On emotional and behavioral levels the same holds true.
The psychological trauma that can come from a life-threatening assault can also be associated with a broad range of symptoms, including rage attacks, panic, anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, avoidant behaviors, jumpiness and depression. A good therapist will be aware of this, and may recommend specific types of therapies to address symptoms and increase coping skills. Things that can ease a person through trauma recovery include a stable and supportive home environment.
Finally, we come to the real issue of normal teen development and why this is often - although not always - a stormy time in child-parent relations. During the teen years, youths need to begin the important separation from their parents. Often this includes associating more with friends, and viewing authoritative adults as a drag. This is a time for limit testing where there is a constant push on the teen's part for more freedom and independence to stay out late, explore their sexuality, be on the Internet at all hours, experiment with drugs and alcohol and so forth. Here it's not a question of trying to be your child's friend; more than ever it's important to be the parent, and to constantly reinforce and reevaluate limits and rules. This can lead to huge fights, but again consistency and sticking the course need to be your mantra.
Finally, the good news embedded in what has become a painful reality for you, is that regardless of the cause of your son's emotional outbursts, you are getting him treatment and you are being there for him. While he may tell you that he hates you and that you've ruined his life (fairly typical teen responses to parents, especially when you're trying to set limits) he desperately needs to know that you're there, you're not going away and that you love him. And while you're in the midst of what sounds quite painful and emotionally draining, remind yourself that the best healer is in fact time, and this will pass.