Question:
My 14 year old daughter is so caught up with fashion, what she is wearing, what her friends are wearing. Every time she goes out, she has clothing in a bag. Almost everytime, she comes home empty handed. Loans her clothing to her friends. This worries me - not only is it frustrating, expensive - but the implications of it all - A FOLLOWER. My brother did this but in the form of my fathers car, his car, his money. What should I do? Her father & I are going thru a nasty divorce. He was NOT a very sensitive, loving role model. Could this be it?? Fallout from this?Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Dr. Michael Schwartzman is a family therapist in New York City and the co-author of "The Anxious Parent". He answers:
What you describe about your daughter, which seems to summarize as your concern for her interest in friends and focus on fashion, is very age appropriate. Are you worried that she is neglecting other interests, is she being taken advantage of by her friends, or do you feel like you are losing her to her friends? Sounds like she and her friends use fashion, how they dress, and sharing as ways of relating with each other. Nothing unusual about teenagers getting overly involved with each other. Leading and following are ways that kids have of learning from each other. On its' own a teenager's pursuit of pop culture is par for the course. It could be that your divorce is worrying you and that you have some fears related to how your brother fared as a teenager. It would be useful if you spoke with a friend and try to talk through your fears and stresses and then very carefully review, more broadly, how your daughter is doing. Think about her report card, her hobbies, and the quality of her relationships with adults and peers. How is she faring amidst the divorce? If there are specific concern you have beyond the fashion related ones sit her down and talk about her views and feelings. Make sure that you are not intensifying matters by seeing her through a veil of you own concerns, past and present. It may turn out that you are seeing her change and feeling more distance than you are comfortable with. Try joining her and see whether you can reconnect with more of what you can share with each other.