Question:
My son started drinking with friends when he was 15 1/2 I grounded him right away when i found out. He had a summer of coming in at 8 o'clock. Then it was about 4 months later when school started and he drank at a football game. Again privileges taken away. He started skipping school last year and I found out he was smoking pot. I have drugged tested him had him see a counselor and the counselor said he is just experimenting and he does not have an addictive personality.. Well he was good until the 4th of July again caught drinking curfew in the house and privileges taken away again.. ( I stuck to everything) I told him this time no license if I catch you drinking again. He just got caught drinking again. This is happening every three to four months. I am a single parent and have had to work from 6p until midnight. His father passed away five years ago from cancer. There is nobody home other than his two older brothers. He has a job but I am seeing where he is not taking it seriously. I NEED him to work. My question... I have paid for the driving lessons 300.00 do I have him take the lessons and get his permit but not let him drive or do I just pass on the lessons and eat the money that I really can't afford to do.. but I want him to know how serious I am about this. I am not sure what the best route is. I feel like letting him take the lessons is giving in, yet getting his license and not being able to drive may be a punishment and a motivator to get it together. I told him he could not drive until he was 18 because he drank again. ( It is a punishment for me but he really does not seem to understand his behavior) I am not a fan of the 12 step program to do meetings. I think it is an enabling program by saying you have a disease it takes away from personal responsibility. What do you suggest????Thank you
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Stephen Wallace, fields questions about drugs and alcohol. Stephen Wallace is the Chairman & Chief Executive Officer of SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions), and has served as school psychologist, camp director, and college professor. You can read more about him on SADD's site. Stephen answers:
While I cannot vouch for the findings of your son's counselor, his use of alcohol and marijuana is reason for concern. Your first question has to do with whether or not you should follow through on the stated consequence of not allowing your son to receive his drivers' license if he continued to drink. The simple answer is yes. It's is important to say what you mean and mean what you say. Teens Today research from SADD reveals that teens want to know our expectations for them, want to know what will be the consequences for failing to meet those expectations, and want to be held accountable for personal behavior. Your second question revolves around your struggle to accept alcoholism as a disease. I think the more important question is, 'does my son need professional help?' Again, the simple answer is yes. He is repeatedly breaking the law and using substances that jeopardize his health and safety. A quick guide to whether or not a substance abuse problem exists can be found in the CRAFFT scale created by Dr. John Knight, director of the Center for Adolescent Substance Abuse Research at Children's Hospital Boston. If your son would answer "yes" to two or more of the following questions, intervention might very well be needed:
Have you ever ridden in a car driven by someone (including yourself) who was "high" or had been using alcohol or drugs?
Do you ever use alcohol or drugs to relax, feel better about yourself, or fit in?
Do you ever use alcohol or drugs while you are by yourself, alone?
Do you ever forget things you did while using alcohol or drugs?
Do your family or friends ever tell you that you should cut down on your drinking or drug use?
Have you ever gotten into trouble while you were using alcohol or drugs?