Question:
My husband and I have recently become the guardian of his 14 year old nephew. We do not have children of our own, so we have no parenting experience. His mother has given him quite a lot of freedom, but now that he's here in So. Cal., I worry about him and feel I should know his whereabouts. He feels that I'm trying to keep him a prisoner, when in fact all I ask is that he let me know where he is. How can I get through to him that I am only trying to protect him. I want him to have friends and be a normal teen, but I now have a huge responsibility, not only to him, but to his mother. I don't feel that I'm being unreasonable.Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Trisha Snidersich, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in work with children and adolescents, particularly around issues resulting from trauma. She provides individual and family therapy in addition to facilitating parenting skills groups. Currently, she is also managing a school based youth services program. She answers:
The goal in this situation is not necessarily to “get through to him” so he understands that you are “only trying to protect him.” Rather, the intention should be to try to help him through this time of transition between homes. Most adolescents do not like being held to limits and they often rebel against them. However, in cases such as this, the rules can become an easy target for anger as opposed to aiming such negative feelings at other more sensitive areas, such as the difficult fact that your nephew’s life has been changed in a drastic way.
The circumstances that led to your nephew coming to stay with you are unclear. However, no matter what has led to this point, his life has undergone a significant transformation and the impact of this adjustment needs to be acknowledged and dealt with over time. Even for an adult who chooses to make a move, the stress is significant. For a 14-year old who may have had little or no choice in the matter, the stress can be particularly overwhelming. The fact that your nephew has gone from a less restrictive environment to a more regulated one only adds to the intensity of how challenging the transition may be.
None of this means that you should inquire less about his whereabouts or let your nephew run wild. It does suggest, however, that helping your nephew through this time should be your top priority. He may or may not want to speak with you about his thoughts and feelings on the matter, but it doesn’t hurt to gently try. Also, when a child is under such strain, seeking professional help should be considered. Sometimes with issues such as this, long term treatment may not be necessary, but some support through the adjustment is often found to be beneficial.