Question:
My daughter will be 16 in October. She is grounded for sneaking out less than a week ago. She cried and explained how sorry she is again. I plan to move her room upstairs and have not done it yet. She cannot use the phone or IM, yet she has used both anyway. I had to tell her several times to get off the computer before she listened. She talks back and puts that lil “I dont care” grin on her face or the “that doesn’t bother me, whatever” grin when I threaten things like not getting learners. Now I am so frustrated that I told her if she cannot talk to me with respect (oh she was disrespectful today in front of another adult talking to me) then I will take her off the cheerleading squad since nothing else seems to work. She still acted like she didn't care. She always has to have the last word telling me to be quiet or something. What do you think? Do you think that would be wrong even though nothing else seems to work? What do I do to get through to her. My husband and I are separated at the moment because of her mouth which turned into a confrontation between her and my husband (her step-dad).I'm under a lot of pressure being that I have been a stay-home-mom for the last five years (I have a 3.5 yr old son too), and I'm about to start my 3rd of school, and now school starting and all the activities that go along with it (one is high school & one in K), with financial concerns as well. I have to get a job in the mix of all this.
I'm getting ready to head to Christian counseling now. I'm looking to the Lord for direction, and praying that my husband and daughter's heart is receptive and willing to follow the same path.
Please help me gain control and respect from her.
Answer:
Trisha Snidersich, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in work with children and adolescents, particularly around issues resulting from trauma. She provides individual and family therapy in addition to facilitating parenting skills groups. Currently, she is also managing a school based youth services program. She answers:
Unfortunately for parents of teens everywhere, there is no simple way to make an adolescent behave respectfully towards their mother or father. There are times when a teenager seems convinced that the parent is the enemy. At those times, make it your goal to try to show her that you actually want to achieve an alliance that works for you both. Remain calm during tense situations and do not get taken for a ride on the emotional rollercoaster that adolescence can be. Do not engage in yelling matches and ignore any of her attempts to get a rise out of you.Of course you will have feelings about what your child says and does, but you cannot respond well to a situation when you feel emotionally overwhelmed. Take a time out and deal with each circumstance when you can approach it rationally. It is okay to tell your daughter that you are feeling hurt, confused or angry and you want some time to figure out the best thing to do next.Tell her you will listen to her when she is capable of having a reasonable discussion. When you can attempt to talk it out, really do listen to her and try to be understanding. Poor judgment and a lack of impulse control go hand in hand with adolescence. Her arguments may seem insane to you, but they are very valid and important to her. You don’t have to agree, but you must value her as a thinking, feeling human being.Explain your perspective and share how you feel. For example, tell her that you are scared for her safety when she tries to go out in the middle of the night. Be ready to compromise on certain things to help keep the peace. Know the points on which you stand firm and know where you are willing to give a little.
Keep in mind that I am recommending a very rational approach to use with the frequently irrational adolescent. The goal is not to have a made-for-television kind of discussion, but rather to set the precedent for what you consider to be desirable communication. This is when you both feel heard and there is room for joint problem solving. Don’t expect it to work after one time! Be consistent and keep trying.
When choosing consequences, it is important to pick something that is connected to the lesson you want her to learn. Making it more difficult for her to act on her poor judgment by moving her room upstairs seems like a wise decision. However, I wouldn’t be as quick to take her off the cheerleading squad. As a rule of thumb, don’t take away life-enriching activities as punishment.Plus, if she’s not at practice, you don’t know where she will be.If you want to take away something, take away a privilege and let her know the consequence in advance, so she is accountable for her choice. For example, let her know now that if she tries to sneak out again, she will miss cheering at the next game or in the next competition. (Be prepared to follow through on this or any other warning you give her!) In this way, you are not taking away the valuable life lessons that come with being a part of the squad. Cheering at one game is a privilege and she can miss it without losing out on everything else.
Finally, it sounds like your family has been going through a lot of significant changes over the past few months. You mentioned Christian counseling for yourself. I would suggest looking into family and/or individual therapy as extra support during these difficult times.