Question:
My boyfriend has an 18 year old daughter. She lives in Virginia with her mother, he in NJ. He and his former wife do not have a good relationship - it is acrimonious, yet the ex wife phones him constantly - even in the middle of the nite because she cannot handle the daughter.The divorce was bitter with the wife keeping a "near million dollar home" and he moved to jersey into a little one bedroom rental. he maintained two jobs for a year to pay his debts (for the house and other things they'd purchased) and for child support and alimony (the latter which he still pays to date).
Meanwhile, the mother and daughter purchase trendy clothes, mother drives a Mercedes and the father has purchased the phone and pays for the phone service for his daughter.
Once the daughter, "B" turned 18, she has become worse than ever. Some of the earlier issues I observed (during my two year relationship with this man) are:
1. at 17 yrs old, she stole her mother's credit card to purchase a $1,000 dog (teacup pup) online because she wanted to resemble Paris Hilton. When discovered the parents allowed her to keep the dog but she had to ultimately get a job (waitressing) to pay her mother back.
2. She had already, at 17 dropped out of high school because she hates school
3. After the theft incident with her mother, her father gave "B" his credit card information over the phone because "B" wanted to buy a pair of shoes. I overheard this and asked him if he was crazy. He said she PROMISED to only use it for the shoes. She did not. She also used it to pay a $300 or so vet payment for her dog...telling him that her mother told her to do it...
4. He has tried to get her to enroll in college (she finally got her GED after several tries) and he bought her a new car (incredible!) so she could drive to school. Well, she is NOT going to enroll in school, she drove out of state to North Carolina in the car without telling her mother or father where she was going....she stays out and does not meet curfew...does not call...has not been returning his calls or her mother's calls....and now....
He is extremely stressed. constantly checking his phone, even in middle of the nite. His ex wife calls even more often...and this is extremely hard for me to watch.
I cannot say anything because if I comment, he defends the daughter. I thought it was insane that he would let her keep the phone when she disrespects him by not even answering his calls or responding to him. AND that he bought her a car and is letting her keep it when it was under the condition that she go to school and behave.
He and I will likely not be together long because this is the most toxic family relating I have ever known. What suggestions do you have for Him, as a father who did NOT live with his daughter since she was 10...but rather saw her occasionally..although spoke daily with her multiple times. What can he do now? if she answers the phone, she laughs at him or hangs up on him! She treats him almost like a bad friend, certainly not as a parent. It's sickening to watch. Any advise is greatly appreciated.
thank you!
Rose
Answer:
Trisha Snidersich, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in work with children and adolescents, particularly around issues resulting from trauma. She provides individual and family therapy in addition to facilitating parenting skills groups. Currently, she is also managing a school based youth services program. She answers:
As difficult as it may be, my first recommendation is to try to stay on the sidelines of this father-daughter relationship. I’m sure you are concerned because you genuinely care for your boyfriend and don’t want to see him so stressed out. However, parent-child relationships can vary greatly and they can get pretty sticky. This means that what would be acceptable to one person is not acceptable at all to another and you do not want to be stuck in the middle of someone else’s tangle! Even if you were the biological mother in this case, you would still have to respect the uniqueness of the relationship to some extent. As you indicated in your question, your boyfriend is unable or unwilling to listen to your advice at this time. Even though you are trying to help, your persistence in this matter may only cause more trouble for you. Focus on your relationship with your boyfriend. Of course, his parenting skills and style may affect your thoughts and feelings, but trying to alter those things about him may not be a task you want to take on.
As far as advice for him, I would tell him about the ParentingTeensOnline website. You could encourage him to join, browse all of the available information and let him know that, if he would like, he can ask his own questions. Going back to what I wrote earlier, each parent-child relationship is unique. His perspective regarding the strengths of the relationship and the areas that need improvement probably differ from even how his daughter sees it and, surely his view on the situation differs from your perception. With that said, the most helpful advice for him would be given in response to a question he asked.