Question:
i HAVE NOT HAD CUSTODY OF MY DAUGHTER FOR ALMOST 7 YEARS. SHE IS 15 YEARS OLD. LAST YEAR HER FATHER WAS HAVING TERRIBLE PROBLEMS WITH HER. SHE WAS 51/50 3 TIMES IN 6 MONTHS. SHE WAS DEFIANT. HER FATHER DREW UP A TRIAL CUSTODY FORM, DROPPED HER OFF AT MCDONALDS AND SAID EITHER YOU TAKE HER OR SHE GOES TO FOSTER CARE. I DID TAKE HER THAT NIGHT, THAT WAS 15 MONTHS AGO, IN THAT TIME, WE GREW VERY CLOSE, I HAD HER COUNSELED, I SPENT EVERY SECOND WITH HER, ADORED HER. SHE WAS READY TO START A NEW SCHOOL FOR 10TH GRADE LAST WEEK, AND HER FATHER DECIDED TO TAKE HER BACK. SHE WENT WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING BACK, I AM SHOCKED, HE WAS ABUSIVE TO HER, HIT HER, YELLED AT HER, THEY FOUGHT DAILY. WITH ME WE NEVER FOUGHT, SHE IS MY ANGEL, I AM HAVING A REAL HARD TIME WITH THIS. I THINK SHE WANTS TO BE BACK WITH HER FRIENDS, BUT SHE JUST LEFT AND REALLY DOSENT REALIZE WHAT DAMAGE THIS IS GOING TO DO. PLEASE HELP ME, IM SCARED, AND ALL ALONE.Answer:
Trisha Snidersich, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in work with children and adolescents, particularly around issues resulting from trauma. She provides individual and family therapy in addition to facilitating parenting skills groups. Currently, she is also managing a school based youth services program. She answers:
This is obviously a very hurtful situation for you, but do not underestimate the importance of the role you still have in your daughter’s life. It is unlikely that she fully realizes the consequences, positive or negative, that her choice may have and all of the reasons she has for choosing to go back may not even be fully conscious. These types of custody situations involve a very complicated web of emotions that are not easily sorted out.
There are, of course, certain legalities that must be considered here and you could choose to go back to court to fight for custody. This can be very complex and it may or may not be a route you want to take. If you would rather not pursue this path, then focus on preserving the relationship you and you daughter currently have. The fact that you were available when she needed you did not go unregistered in her mind. However, her feelings about it may not be expressed in the ways you’d like to see. You could try talking to her about her decision in an open and non-judgmental way. Or you could leave it be and just let her know that you are still there for her.
People, in general, do not tend to be all good or all bad. In a simplified explanation, part of a healthy teenage development means learning to come to a sort of acceptance about your parents’ strengths and flaws. Your daughter needs to have a relationship with both you and her father. She and the relationships will develop over time as she comes to deal with everything on her own terms. For now, regardless of whether or not you decide take legal action, love her, be there for her and work with all that you have.