Question:
my 13 year old daughter has failed grade 7. She has gotten into the wrong crowd, is smoking and staying out late and has snuck out of the house at night, she swears and has even been caught shoplifting. What can I do to make her understand that she is really going down the wrong road and hanging out with the wrong crowd. In fact I am beginning to think that she is the bad one not the other kids. How do I get through to her. I wonder where my good girl went.Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Donna Secor Pennington, LMSW, has been a school social worker at the high school level for twenty years and has been an advocate for programs and services for teens and parents. She answers:
When teens are engaging in many troublesome behaviors and activities all at once, it can be very challenging. The good news is that it is not too late to turn things around for a 13 year old in the seventh grade! As a school social worker, I have found that if parents focus on school attendance and achievement, there can be a positive impact in other areas as well. Time spent in school and school-related activities is time that is not available for engaging in inappropriate behaviors with peers.
Your first task is to carefully identify the reasons for your daughter’s failure in school. It is often the case that students who totally “shut down” in school do so because there is something making it difficult for them to perform. Most schools have some kind of “student assistance team” or “child study team” with professionals who can review your daughter’s situation and clarify the issues and the available supports that might help her to be more successful. In addition, you have a right to request testing by the school district to identify a possible learning or emotional problem. You might consider a drug test to rule out marijuana abuse as a problem.
Once the school district has done its part, your role will be to establish a system of regular, preferably daily, communication with the school so that you will know if she attended her classes and completed her assignments, etc. This could be done with a planner that her teachers initial each day, an email from a staff member, etc. Next, you will need a workable set of consistent short-term consequences for her school performance.
Positive incentives, in addition to negative, will be very important. For example, if you can afford a cell phone, she could earn her right to use it on a daily basis depending on her performance for the previous day. Small amounts of money, music downloads for an MP3 player or the privilege of spending time with friends can be other positive incentives. It is not always easy to work out a set of consequences that will be effective with teens and you may need the assistance of a mental health professional at school or at a local agency. Your physician may have a recommendation if you need one.
Finally, you might also provide an incentive for your daughter to participate in a school activity, such as an athletic team or some other club. Church youth groups or volunteer activities can also be helpful. These teams or groups will provide her with the opportunity to develop more positive peer relationships.