Question:
my son is a 3rd year freshman this year. He is fully capable of doing the work, he just won't...he stays grounded for coming home high, and/or failing in school. He sneaks out. We have tried everything...and I mean everything. We have called the police when we couldn't find him, we have taken him to the police station to talk to a police officer when we could find him. We have taken everything away from him but books...we have even hit him...He's very sweet, not ugly or disrespectful, but he is still completely out of control. We (the 4 of us--both parents and step parents) have tried everything we can think of.Any thoughts?
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Donna Secor Pennington, LMSW, has been a school social worker at the high school level for twenty years and has been an advocate for programs and services for teens and parents. She answers:
When a student who is fully capable of being successful in school who has already spent two unsuccessful years in the 9th grade, there is a something significant interfering with his success. Your first and most important task is to understand the reason for his failure. Your comment about him, “coming home high” could suggest that your son is abusing marijuana. Regular use of marijuana is associated with lack of motivation and poor school achievement. Consult with your son’s physician regarding where and how to obtain a drug test, as well as a thorough assessment at a substance abuse agency that works with adolescents. follow-up with any recommended treatment and seek out supports that are available for parents dealing with this issue.
If substance use is not the problem, I would request a meeting with his school counselor and a school administrator to get their input about his school difficulties. Don’t accept “laziness” as a simple answer. Students who are not motivated enough to earn at least passing grades in their classes often have an undiagnosed learning disability, attention deficit disorder, an emotional problem or some combination of these. Ask for a review of his school records for earlier signs of trouble. You also have a right to request that your son be tested for a possible disability and to request support from the school in addressing any issues that are identified.
Finally, once the appropriate treatment or supports are in place, you will likely have to play a role in getting your son back on track in terms of attendance, homework, preparation for tests, etc. He is very fortunate to have four parents who are concerned about him and all four of you can and should become involved in monitoring his attendance and his progress. Take turns sitting with him at the kitchen table while he does at least an hour of homework, studying or reading each night.
Since grounding and taking things away have not been helpful, try providing positive consequences for very short-term, specific behaviors. For example, start with providing an incentive, such as a cell phone, for example, for attending all of his classes on time and recording his assignments in a planner that can be checked by a parent on a daily basis. He would lose the cell phone for a day or two for missing a class or failing to complete or bring home his planner. Perhaps the five of you could sit down together to come up with the incentives. With careful assessments and support and the positive, consistent involvement of his parents, there is no reason why your son can’t be successful.