Question:
This summer I am up against a particularly challenging situation with my sixteen year old. As you know our kid's peer groups are ever expanding within mediated publics on line and as schools seek to join community and state wide programs. Recently it was discovered that a kid in my teen's peer group is a transgender individual. It wasn't too difficult to put two and two together when my child brought home the movie "Boy's don't Cry" and asked me to watch it with her. It was extremely difficult for me to sit through this film but I did it because I knew something was amiss within the group of close friends that all seemed to be confused and secretive and hurting from "something". The film opened up a discussion, but I am at a loss for how to help heal the hurt that my daughter feels.My kid is very bright and accepting of the actual fact of transgenderism. She took the time to research it, learn about TG individuals and I am simply amazed at her level of acceptance. What she does not accept however is the general scam. A kid from another community poses as the opposite sex and coaxes other teens to like him...even love him...but he is a she. The kids in the group are dismayed, angry, confused and hurt when they find out they have been scammed.
What is acceptance now? When it hits close to home it becomes entirely different; our fear rears it's ugly head. We teach our kids to honor the truth; to honor individuality and to value differences, which means a lot more these days than it did when I was growing up.
This is a real and tragic dilemma for teens who are going through it. I am afraid for my teen, her peers and the boy in question.
A Parent from New England who loves her child, honors differences in people and wants to protect kids in her community from being harmed.
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Elizabeth M. Casparian, Ph.D. is Director of Educational Programs at HiTOPS in Princeton, NJ, where she and her staff provide educational programs to teens and parents throughout New Jersey. She answers:
Dear mother in New England,
I am not in a position to review the film, although I can say that I have seen it, years ago. At the time that Boys Don't Cry was released, transgender issues were much less understood and this film was groundbreaking in covering the issue, but is not an educational film. It tells one story, and a tragic one at that.
What we are able to do now is help people distinguish between biological sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, transvestism, transgender, cross-dressing and so on. We also know more about when these issues develop and how they can be best handled by individuals and their families and friends.
We know that a person who is transgender is transgender from birth and may discover their feelings as early as 2 years old although may not voice those feelings until much later in life. A person who is transgender is someone who is born one sex (biological sex) and has the hormones and genitals of that sex (a female with ovaries, vagina, uterus and clitoris who produces predominantly estrogen and gets periods, develops breasts, etc) who has a gender identity that does not match this biological sense. Gender identity is one's own knowledge and belief of their gender (I am a male or I am a female, in most cases.) Transgender people feel completely wrong in their biological sex and know that they are "in the wrong body." Today we have a greater understanding that gender identity is fixed in most people by the age of 2-3. A transgender person's gender identity is as fixed as the gender identity of a person whose biological sex and gender identity match. Most medical and mental health professionals agree that supporting a person's gender identity and providing them with tools to be who they know and feel they are is the most healthful and helpful way to proceed. Offering hormones and eventually surgery is often part of the plan for transgender people as they go through puberty to adulthood. There is no evidence that steering transgender children away from gender "inappropriate" clothing, activities or playthings has any affect other than confusing, frustrating and potentially harming the self-esteem of a transgender child.
So a transgender teen is in no way trying to "scam" anyone. If he came into the community as a boy and is known and liked as a boy, then that is that. He is living as he sees himself and will need to determine if he wants to have surgery to better match his body to how he feels within it. He has asked to be accepted as a boy, and up until this moment with these peers, he has been. Continuing to see him as he sees himself and to treat him as he has always been treated is what he needs from his peers. He took a huge risk letting them know about this and he is looking for people to do exactly as your daughter did - learn more, ask questions and come to an understanding that people are diverse and unique. Wrapping one's head around transgender issues is hard, but there is no scam here. There is simply a boy trying to be who he is, and knows himself to be. He will not some day discover that he is not a boy, he will always be a boy in his heart and mind. He needs his peers to see him as the boy they met and the boy they liked. What his body looks like, and how it develops is not something he can control, but he can someday change it and he probably will either with hormones or surgery or both. Having told these young people is a testament to how much trust he had in them, and the parents who raised these kids. As a parent, you are supporting your daughter's search for understanding by seeking information and by asking questions. This is a good thing. If she can be gentle and supportive to her friend, she will eventually understand why he had to wait to tell them about himself and she will feel good about the process of learning, questioning, discovering and accepting.
I hope this has helped.