Question:
My son is 16 and he and his friends are starting to experiment with alcohol use - some times playing drinking games. He shared with me the friends, game and amount of alcohol that was present at a recent get together. He did not drive himself home, but had a friend who was not drinking do the driving. I am struggling to know how to keep this open and honest dialogue but still lay down a consequence for the underaged drinking. In addition, I know the parents and house where the drinking took place. Do I tell them about this? Won't that just put my son in the position to not share with me in the future? I am very torn with how to handle this - Please help!!!Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Stephen Wallace, fields questions about drugs and alcohol. Stephen Wallace is the Chairman & Chief Executive Officer of SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions), and has served as school psychologist, camp director, and college professor. You can read more about him on SADD's site. Stephen answers:
You raise a great issue that concerns many parents: how do I establish and enforce appropriate ground rules and still keep open lines of communication with my kid? First off, teens want to know what the rules are and, believe it or not, want to be held accountable for breaking them. Talk with your son, establish expectations (no drinking, for example) and work together to decide what will be the consequence for doing so. Knowing that ahead of time will make it more likely he will avoid alcohol and less likely that he will "shut down" if he does drink and you punish him. Second, as you know drinking at age 16 is a bad idea. There are all kinds of dangers involved, and impaired driving is only one of them. For example, alcohol use by teens affects still-developing cognitive abilities and impairs memory and learning and teens who drink are more likely to commit or be the victim of violence (including sexual assault) and to experience depression and suicidal thoughts. Plus, we know that the earlier one starts to drink the more likely it is that he will experience problems with alcohol later in life. Finally, I do believe you need to find a way to let your son's friend's parents know what is going on in their house. Authorities may hold them responsible even if they are unaware because "they should have known." As an aside, according to SADD's Teens Today research, many parents believe that their teen "will drink no matter what" (53 percent) and thus allow them to drink at home believing that will make it less likely they will be off drinking with their friends. The data say just the opposite: more than half (57 percent) of high school teens who report their parents allow them to drink at home, even just on special occasions, say they drink with their friends, as compared to just 14 percent of teens who say their parents don't let them drink. Underage drinking in America is epidemic and requires the full attention of parents. So, good for you!