Question:
We have a 13 1/2 yr old son and a 10 1/2 yr old daughter. My son has always been very disrespectful to his sister and lately he has gotten very disrespectful to us (mom & dad) .He seems to be worst to my husband he has told him to shout up or called him a loser or refuse to do something he has asked him to do. I'm stricter with my son then he is. My son is ADHD and very impulsive. I think my husband needs to be stricter with him and he thinks we just need to pick are battles with my son because other then this he is a real good kid. I am very afraid that its going to get worst if we don't get control of it now. What should we do?
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Donna Secor Pennington, LMSW, has been a school social worker at the high school level for twenty years and has been an advocate for programs and services for teens and parents. She answers:
In a way, both you and your husband are right. Behaviors that are not addressed in some way do tend to get worse. On the other hand, parents of teens, particularly teens with ADHD, should consider “picking their battles” as they help them make their way through the teenage years.
It sounds like you are aware that your son’s ADHD is probably contributing to his disrespectful behavior. Adolescents with ADHD have more difficulty “keeping their mouths shut” and are more likely to impulsively say things out loud that other teens may keep to themselves.
When a teen is diagnosed with ADHD, I always inquire about medication and whether it has been tried and reviewed for effectiveness. Medication can be helpful in minimizing impulsivity. Medication, however, is never the whole solution. Consistent consequences, both positive and negative, can be very effective. Make sure that you clearly define what you mean by disrespect. Try to come to some agreement with your husband about what might be overlooked and what calls for a consequence. Name calling or using swear words should probably not be overlooked. Provide a small, short-term positive consequence (i.e., one 99 cent music download) for a day when your son speaks respectfully, as well as a small short-term negative consequence (i.e., no video games) for a day for incidents of disrespect that you and your husband agree should not be tolerated. Also keep in mind the advise of ADHD expert Dr. Russell Barkley, who tells parents, “Act, don’t Yak”. Follow through on those consequences without a lot of lecturing or arguing!