Question:
My 13 1/2 year old daughter feels that we (her parents) don't think she is "good enough" because she won't follow rules. (Like not lying to us, not having a boyfriend till she's older, staying off of MY SPACE, being respectful and cleaning up after herself). When she does these things she is punished by not being able to phone friends, or go out with friends, nothing too harsh. And then she waits a few days and lies again, or is rude or calls boys and is really inappropriate with them. She will not or does not have any interest in communicating with her family, outside of asking to go shopping or other for other entertainment or money. How do I explain so she'll hear me that rules don't mean you aren't "good enough"?Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Dr. Michael Schwartzman is a family therapist in New York City and the co-author of "The Anxious Parent". He answers:
I think that what you are finding with your teenager, which is classic, is that she is too old for explanations, too young for complete freedom, and difficult at best. The best way to begin a discussion, which is your best bet, is to ask her what she means when she says that she is not good enough. Whatever she says, speak to her point and then make yours showing her the difference between what she is saying and what you are saying. For example, if she feels that you don't feel she is good enough because of choices she is making, tell her that you understand the fun in what she is pursuing, but that you are concerned about trouble she might get into being in over her head. This is not because she isn't good enough, to the contrary, it is because you love her and she is wonderful, so you want to make sure she is protected. Unfortunately for parents, kids learn by trying to get away with something, only to be structured again so they don't fall into something dangerous. Try to do the structuring in an unemotional way so they can't put it on you, rather, they have to see the good judgment behind your rule. "No I can't let you stay out past 11. More nasty things go on past 11 and I don't want to see you as a part of that." And remember, be consistent. She is trying to get around your rules, so lay them out clearly keeping in mind that it is okay that she does not want to hear them, but she must follow them.