Question:
My daughter is 15 1/2 and has just finished her first year of high school. She was always very smart and in the AIG classes at school Now she is failing her grade because she will not get up and get to school on time, will not do her work, keeps saying that she is sick all the time. Now she has started sneaking out, lying to me, screaming and yelling when she doesn't get her way, leaving the house without permission and not coming home overnight etc. I recently saw pictures of her on her my space with an alcoholic beverage in hand. I have tried talking to her and even suggested going to a counselor but she said she wasn't going that she was not stupid. She was a varsity cheerleader, one of the few to make it as a freshman last year, but they wouldn't let her back on the squad this year due to her tardies. Her dad doesn't want to be bothered with any form of discipline because he is too busy partying himself. He is an alcoholic and went through rehab twice but now is drinking again. When he starts drinking he starts calling us names and yelling at us. I have tried to explain to both my children that it is a disease, but I am beginning to see his disrespect of us coming out through her. I don't want her to ruin her life and fill like I should leave him and maybe it will help us. He doesn't seem to care what we do and I think it is really bothering her although she says it doesn't. Please I will take any suggestions that I can get. Thank you.Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Stephen Wallace, fields questions about drugs and alcohol. Stephen Wallace is the Chairman & Chief Executive Officer of SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions), and has served as school psychologist, camp director, and college professor. You can read more about him on SADD's site. Stephen answers:
There's no question that your daughter is an age where behavior change is quite common - as is the testing of limits that might have previously been adhered to without comment. That having been said, she appears to be way over the line and gravitating toward behavior (drinking) that place her at risk. The fact that you don't have an active parenting partner is a handicap, but not an insurmountable one. Right now, it appears that your daughter has effectively seized control of the situation and, believe it or not, it may be control that she doesn't really want. It's time to re-negotiate your roles for the positive. Recognize that she is getting older and needs more freedoms and greater responsibility for decision-making. At the same time, agree to hard and fast boundaries, both real (staying in the house at night) and figurative (no drinking), and stick to them. Agree ahead of time what the consequences will be for violating those boundaries and be sure to follow through. Family counseling seems in order and if your husband won't go, proceed without him. Finally, although she has been dismissed from the cheerleading squad, help your daughter find other activities through which she might find helpful adult mentors who might also serve as a substitute "partner" for you in your efforts to guide your daughter toward safe choices. A Teens Today study conducted by SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions) found that young people with informal (or natural) mentors, such as teachers, coaches, and counselors, feel better about themselves and are more likely to stay away from harmful behaviors. For example, 46 percent of teens with a mentor reported a high sense of self versus 25 percent of teens without a mentor. High sense-of-self teens feel more positive about their own identity, growing independence, and relationships with peers than do teens with a low sense of self. They are also more likely to avoid alcohol and drug use. Teens struggling with those developmental areas, on the other hand, are more likely to drink, to use drugs such as ecstasy and cocaine, and to cite boredom and depression as reasons to have sex. They also note a greater susceptibility to peer pressure when making choices about personal behavior.