Question:
My son is 15 yrs old. I have in ongoing problem with my son playing on his laptop and playing video games when he is to be doing his homework or asleep. He waits until I leave the house or fall asleep. I can't seem to get him to follow the rules in these areas. The consequences have been for me to take the controls for awhile, and once he earned them back he go's back to breaking the rules again. It keeps this cycle going. The laptop is the hardest being he needs it for school research. I would have to sit with him to make sure he is working on his homework and not playing most of the time on his laptop. He's also not a talker, to me, and he lacks eager. He's a good kid, he an A, B student and don't get into outside trouble, but there are so many other areas in his character that I feel I've failed in developing. Do you have any advise for me?Miriam
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Trisha Snidersich, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in work with children and adolescents. She provides individual and family therapy in addition to facilitating parenting skills groups. She answers:
The video game and computer use conflict is one I hear about often and there is no hard-set rule about how to handle it. It is important to know exactly what your concern is so that you can best help your son. Is he playing violent games and you have worries about aggressive behavior? Do you think your son is addicted to the point that he is failing to fulfill his age-appropriate obligations? Is he isolating himself from his peers? You must figure out what the specific problem is and then adjust rules to best fit your family.
First, you must consider how and if your son is neglecting any of his responsibilities. You mentioned that he plays when he should be doing homework or sleeping. Is your son suffering negative consequences because of this? Is he consistently late to school because he can’t wake up? Are his grades suffering from missing assignments? If these kinds of consequences are present, then you may need to enforce more strict rules. If the video games are in his bedroom- take them out. You may set time limits for usage and if he doesn’t finish his research for school during the allowed time, the consequences from his teachers are his to face. To help enforce usage restrictions, you could take away the controllers or even keep his laptop in your room.
If your son is not experiencing negative consequences and you find that you do not have specific concerns about addiction, isolation or aggressive behavior, then you may consider relaxing the rules somewhat. Many teenagers do spend a lot of time playing with electronics, but many are also able to manage their responsibilities. Teaching your son how to play and also get his work done is a valuable lesson.
If you still feel strongly about wanting him to develop other ways to spend his time, then you have to be willing to help him find those ways. It’s difficult to ask a child to not do something without offering a substitute behavior. Telling him to just go to sleep or do his homework may not be enough. Finding compromises that suit you both is important and using him in the decision process will increase your chance of success. I would make time to talk to him about the video games and computer. See what he thinks about them and what is so alluring. You may not get much, but you might find out something interesting. I also advise you to speak with parents of other teens and to your son’s teachers to help get a better understanding of what appropriate expectations are for your son’s behavior. If you continue to have concerns, I recommend going to your physician. Your doctor could help in the assessment and direct you if further evaluation was needed.