Question:
My daughter is 12 and in Jr. High. Lately I've set up a few rules. One for example, is about dating. I feel she is too young and I won't allow it. She says she understands but all her friends date, but she will respect us anyway. No matter what the rule is, if she doesn't like it, she decides behind our back to do it if the opportunity arises anyway. She tells lies and has her friends cover for her (which makes it even worse). When I figure it out and confront her, she gets angry and blames me having to lie. She says if she would have asked me to go to a boys house, I would have said no. Duh, that's why I set up the rule..... so she decides if she doesn't like a rule to take matters into her own hands. I punish her and talk about the morals of the issue, but it just keeps reoccurring. She cries and goes into a terrible quiet stage like a depressive mood and then says it's her fault and she understands why I have to punish her. But then I find out that she does it again. We have a close relationship (or so I though), we speak about most everything. This is just something that has been very recent, and I don't understand. Can you help??? I feel so shut out from her.Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Dr. Michael Schwartzman is a family therapist in New York City and the co-author of "The Anxious Parent". He answers:
You have two things going on that you should make sure not to confuse. Your daughter is growing up and looking towards more grownup pleasures and experiences. It is very important that as her parent you tell her and even require her to follow your ideas for how to be. Parents who give in to their children and let them do what they want when they are doing the wrong thing, because they want their child's friendship and approval, end up failing on all fronts. Your child does not get the proper guidance and structure and does the wrong things which can ultimately be very harmful. They end up disrespecting you because they realize they are getting away with what they shouldn't because you are being weak and not standing up to them. Secondly, a twelve year old who sees you as an impediment to their getting what they want but should not have is not someone you can be close to in the warm way you are familiar with. Your daughter needs you to be clear, consistent and very present in limiting her when she cannot limit herself. Remember, you are entering a new phase in parenting. Closeness has a new definition during these years. Being aware of her and what she is up to while setting standards for her may mean an atmosphere of coolness and distance, but you will both be able to live better with each other in the future when she is able to see things from a more adult point of view. Hopefully your spouse may be able to get some of these ideas across to her, or will not be so put off by the coolness this time period involves and will do some of this difficult parenting for both of you. Ultimately this too shall pass. Hang in there.