Question:
I have recently found out about a problem that my 15 year old had with her step-father (the issue occurred two years ago). The problem was so bad that protective services ordered that she have no contact with him. I have since filed for divorce and initiated family therapy by order ofDCF. We were in family therapy prior to this anyway. She is now refusing to go to therapy but I feel that as a family we need this (I also feel she needs individual therapy). She states that she will only do one at a time, not both but now is refusing to do any counseling. What can I say to convince her that this will be beneficial to both of us?
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Donna Secor Pennington, LMSW, has been a school social worker at the high school level for twenty years and has been an advocate for programs and services for teens and parents. She answers:
As you know, it will be important for your daughter's future for her to have some help regarding the issue with her stepfather. She needs to understand that she not the only teen to have had such a problem with a stepparent and that, as the child in the relationship, she was not responsible for what happened.
Many teens are initially resistant to therapy. Since it seems that the family therapy was ordered by the DCF, perhaps they would try to encourage her to participate. A school counselor may be able to help in this regard as well. Sometimes teens will respond to the advice of an outsider more readily than they will respond to a parent. It might be helpful to offer her some choices. Would she prefer to start with individual therapy or with family therapy? Alternately, she might prefer a therapy group with other adolescents who are dealing with a similar issue, if one is available in your area.
Since your daughter may be uncomfortable with discussing this situation and she may not understand the value of the therapy as much as you do, I would consider some kind of incentive (a privilege or possession) for her participation in a given number of sessions. Try it for three appointments is a technique that sometimes works with teens. It gives them the opportunity to see what therapy is about before making a commitment. Ultimately, however, your daughter's cooperation will be needed for the therapy to be successful. You may need to be patient to with her and to continue to encourage her over time. If she is not experiencing any obvious symptoms of psychological disturbance, such as sleep or appetite disruption, school failure or other acting out behaviors, then the therapy might be able to be postponed for awhile. You should continue to reassure her that you love and support her and that you do not blame her for what happened. You can be a role model for her with your own participation in therapy as one of the steps you are taking to improve your family life.