Question:
Hi, my daughter is 16-1/2 and finishing her sophomore year. She recently said she wants to do her junior year living with her dad in another state. It's likely she'll change her mind again, or contemplate doing so, and I'm concerned about the ups and downs of contemplating so much change and freedom effecting her focus and ability do well in these next two years. She tends to be distracted by social and emotional things and some of her grades have recently dropped significantly. I'm thinking that part of this decision may just be a little rebellion since dad, according to her, says she should do what makes her happy and I say she ought to do her homework... that sort of thing. Anyway, she probably has something she needs to experience here, but I would like your input... in particular about how to structure this with some boundaries around when she can change her mind again, and when she'll have to make a commitment and settle in, whichever home she's in. By the way, the school out there starts earlier than her school here.Thank you
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Trisha Snidersich, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in work with children and adolescents. She provides individual and family therapy in addition to facilitating parenting skills groups. She answers:
To simply answer your question regarding how to structure this situation for your daughter, I would advise you to follow the school’s transfer and enrollment cut-off date. Your daughter may go back and forth many times, but where she ends up will depend on how responsible she is for keeping to the school’s deadlines. This will be an important exercise for her. Before you know it, she will have graduated from high school and will be faced with many choices that have consequences beyond anything that you could impose. For example, in college she could add a class, drop it, choose another and then do it all over again several times before registration is closed. In that case, she may or may not get the class she wants, but whatever happens, she would be responsible for the outcome. The same rule applies here. For whatever her reasons are, she wants to try something different by moving in with her father. I would let her make her own decision and deal with the consequences, for better or for worse. Using this mindset also takes you out of the bad guy role since she will not feel you are impeding on her right to choose.
I understand your concerns about your daughter’s grades and how you value providing a structure for her. These are valid factors worth taking into consideration. With that said, my guess is that even if her father thinks she “should do what makes her happy,” he would not approve of her failing out of school and hopefully he would support her if she was living with him and struggling academically. If that’s not so and such a rough patch does arise, I hope that she will have your support. As for boundaries and emphasizing the importance of committing to a decision, it can be difficult to go through this with a 16-year-old without her feeling in some way that “You just don’t understand.” At this age, parents often have to trust that the values they have tried to instill in their child were somewhat successful and then support a not-quite-yet-but-soon-to-be-adult in her decisions. It may be tough to do, but allowing your daughter some freedom and being there if she wants help making a choice will be the best route for you both.