Question:
I am writing this to you in the hope that you can help us.My husband and I are having problems with my 14 year old step daughter. Much of the problems we are having stem from her mother. Her mother has her convinced that everything is her father's fault and now that he is married and has children with someone else, that she isn't as important. I myself have always treated her as my own from day one.
There are so many things that are bothering us. I'll list some below:
1. Since my step daughter was little, her mother has had boyfriends (even as new as a week) spend the night and enjoy themselves (if you know what I mean) while my step daughter was just down the hall. We remember when she was 6, she asked my husband and I what the strange noises were coming from her Mom's room when her boyfriend was over. My step daughter has also made comments around that same age of knowing where her mom kept her "toys" and big people movies. Now my stepdaughter at 14, is coming over with golf sized hickies on her neck and her Mom seems to think that it's ok.
2. My step daughter's mother seems to think that social activities are more important then education. An example of this is on a Friday when we were to pick her up at the court ordered 7pm,; when we arrived she was not packed for the weekend because she went to the movies with friends even though she had homework (and not just a little) and was failing two of her classes.
3. About a month ago, we got a call from my husband's ex-girlfriend telling him that their daughter was missing. That she never came home from school. The call came in only an hour and a half before we were to pick her up for the weekend. The police did find her. However, when they did, she tried to run and had to be handcuffed to be brought home. When asked why she didn't come home, all she would say was that she was out just walking and thinking. She was thinking and sick of all the negativity going on in her house. Her mother has not made anything easy or can even be civil to my husband and I since we met back in late 1999.
That is only some of the things we have had to deal with. There are a lot more, but I don't want to bore you. However, what we are looking for is some advice on how to handle all of this. We are both very scared for my step daughter of either getting raped by any of the men her mother brings over, or because of the example her mother has set, we are afraid that she will get pregnant before she's 18. We want her to have the best life she can, with as many opportunities as possible available. It also does not help that her mother has a Associate degree in accounting, will only work for a temp service so she can decide when she works and has lived in subsidized housing since my stepdaughter was 2 and my husband and his ex girlfriend split up. She lives off the system and that is what my stepdaughter has seen almost all of her life.
We are just at a loss. If you can help us in any way, please do.
Thank you!
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Trisha Snidersich, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in work with children and adolescents. She provides individual and family therapy in addition to facilitating parenting skills groups. She answers:
When a situation is complicated, sometimes it is best to keep in mind the basics. In this case, that means supporting your step-daughter, offering her open lines of communication and maintaining appropriate boundaries and rules. With that said, you must also remember that you only have control over your actions and what takes place in your home. You cannot change what happens with your step-daughter’s mother. Concern yourself with making sure your rules, expectations and hopes are clear to your step-daughter and be consistent! If you feel that your step-daughter is unsafe in her mother’s house, you could always take legal action. It sounds like you have weekend visitations with her and if you want to have more of a daily influence, then you could go to court to try for a different custody agreement. This, of course, offers you no guarantee, so here are some other things that may help you now…
You started by saying that your step-daughter has been filled with negativity about her father and this has been problematic. I have heard this complaint many times and know how frustrating it can be to deal with. But, you must believe that your step-daughter will eventually figure out what is true about which parent. The key is that she must be allowed to figure this out on her own. Your actions and words will confirm how much you and your husband care. Beyond the “I love you’s,” keeping a neutral attitude towards her mother will go a long way in how your step-daughter perceives you. For instance, keeping the tone of “Parents make their own choices and rules for their own home, so your mom does one thing and your father and I do something else” is the way to go. As your step-daughter encounters disappointments regarding her mother’s choices, she will feel more comfortable coming to you if she thinks you will support her instead of taking the opportunity to criticize her mother. And when she does come to you, validating your step-daughter’s feelings should be your primary response. A child needs to be allowed to have both positive and negative feelings towards each parent. After all, no parent is all good or all bad, no matter what they seem! If you condemn the mother for her mistakes, you will only make yourself into the bad guy. Attacking mom does not help a child see the faults, but instead usually pushes a child to come to her defense, giving support to the choices you are trying to discourage.
As far as your fears about your step-daughter’s sexual activity, I would teach her what you normally would about healthy sexuality, apart from whatever her mother’s example may be. You could give her a book on puberty, relationships and safe sex and let her know that you would be happy to read it with her or answer any questions she may have. Even though a 14-year old is still a child, she feels very much like a budding adult and will appreciate the respect you’re giving her by allowing her to make the choice on how intimate she wants to be with you on these sensitive topics. Even if she gives you a hard time about the book, she may very well read it in private. Sometimes, we need to give our children the knowledge and then cross our fingers and hope that they use it. As far as her being around adult men at her mother’s house, you may just want to let her know that she could always call you or her father if she ever gets a funny feeling about something or someone. I would be purposefully vague here. She’ll get what you mean, but you need to do it in such a way that doesn’t pass judgment on her mom.
Finally, you mentioned that the model your step-daughter has seen for most of her life is one of which you do not approve. However, she also has the model of you and your husband. This is not an easy situation to manage, but kids really can succeed when they have love, support, and someone to look up to. Let her know that you believe in her. This may seem small, but no matter what else is going on, it can have a great impact. Teens may not thank us for it in the moment, but often, years down the line, you will see how much they have taken from all that you have offered to them. Knowing that may not fix things right now, but it may make it a bit easier.