Question:
Hi, I have a 13 y/o son. I am a single mom (for 8 years), his father has chosen not to see them in over 3 years. I need some advice on how to help him, he seems to hold everything inside and it comes out when he and his sister are playing, he can get kind of rough. Now, I know that his sister will egg him on at times, but it's still not right for him to fight with his sister (he'll punch her, push her, etc, never hard enough to hurt her, but I'm not sure it'll always be that way). A note here: The latest problem we've had with the father is that he decided to send both kids birthday presents at the same time, only thing is, he only sent them for my daughter, even after telling them that he was sending both of them gifts. This is an ongoing issue. My son plays baseball, but I really think that he needs another outlet, something involving boys that he can roughhouse with. If not that, then I am thinking of getting him counseling. Any suggestions?? Thank you!Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Trisha Snidersich, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in work with children and adolescents. She provides individual and family therapy in addition to facilitating parenting skills groups. She answers:
The main goals for your son are to identify and cope with the range of positive and negative feelings that he has regarding the situation with his father and to figure out how the relationship, or lack there of, impacts his life. These are no small tasks and taking them on will last well into your son’s adulthood. However, you can start to help him now by teaching him healthy ways to acknowledge and express all of these thoughts and feelings.
You could begin by talking to him. Keep in mind that he may not be particularly responsive, but teens listen even when they don’t seem to be. Take care not to let your feelings about his father cloud your goal of validating your son’s unique feelings and experience. Do not put down his father because your son may be angry, but he’s also hurt and he still needs to hold a partially positive image of his dad. Talk about your own observations regarding your son’s behavior and gently set limits on what is acceptable while also validating his feelings - “I notice that you play pretty rough with your sister. I think you need to calm down a little with her because I don’t want her to accidentally get hurt. I’m wondering if that’s how you’re showing some anger… I could see feeling resentful that she received her gifts.” Don’t push too hard. If he responds- great, go with it! If not, let him be, he heard you and it’s a start.
Activities in which he can appropriately act out some of his feelings can be very helpful. Be sure to tell him that you think it may be a good way for him to express himself so he better understands how to use such outlets. Being involved in sports often ends up providing other male role models who your son can build relationships with. On the flip side, however, such activities can also magnify the problem of not having a father around to practice with or to attend games. This shouldn’t deter you from supporting your son in healthy endeavors, but keep in mind struggles like this so you can talk to your son about them if such issues arise. I also want to mention that if your son is into creative expressions, such as writing or art, these can be additional productive channels for him.
Bringing your son to counseling can be very helpful, but keep realistic goals. Not having one’s father around is a very big issue that cannot be fully tackled by any 13-year-old, but having resources help. Remember, many children grow up into happy, successful adults even if they didn’t have one or both of their parents consistently in their lives. Speak openly with your son about the difficulty of his situation, help him express himself in healthy ways and love him. It’s not a quick fix, but it will help.